Away, we haven't gone

Contrary to popular belief, this blog is not dead -- it's just dormant. On hiatus. On vacation. Like a bad penny, we'll turn up again. Like crabs, we're hard to get rid of. Not that anyone at EZA News (Penicillin is Our Friend) would know anything about that topic.

Got VD? Don't email us. We don't wanna know.

Goose, what's sauce for the

Readers may have seen that oft-forwarded image of Disney's 7 Dwarfs/Dwarves titled "The Seven Dwarves of Menopause." At ENN (It's Off to Work We Go) we believe strongly in equality. So, in the spirit of parity of esteem, we present to you the "Seven Dwarves of Manhood," a graphic created by the men and women of ENN (We Rock) and The Great Hungarian Conspiracy (Paprika Rocks).



Got comment? Email the elven nation reps at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Mssgs, sndng txt

Try the voice feature, it's awesome

By now pretty much everyone in the US has a cell phone with text capabilities. These are small phones, and getting smaller with each passing model. Soon they're going to be half the size of Zoolander's phone and will easily fall into a pore and float aimlessly around the circulatory system, ringing out in loneliness. Anyway, these phones have a screen, and people send text messages to one another. So here's what I don't get: why send a text message, which is really cumbersome given the size of the buttons, when you have a phone in your hands? Why not just call the other person? And while we're at it: must you be in touch with everyone in your circle all the damn time? It's gotten to the point where almost everyone at school is walking and chatting on the phone. I'm starting to feel like Wesley Crusher in The Game. Clearly there's something wrong when I actually know the title of a Star Trek episode.

Got comment? Email eza_news @ yahoo.com using the text option on your computer keyboard.

Veritas, in vino

Nature's Rite Aid

Time and time again scientists find that red wine is actually good for you (duh). Just recently, researchers at Harvard Medical School and the National Institutes on Aging reported that a substance found in red wine, resveratrol, appears to offset some of the negative effects of a high-fat diet. The mice in the study were fed high fat diets and also given resveratrol. They gained weight, but their livers were normal, and so were their glucose and insuline levels. It is a little early to rush Burger King, though. Remember that about a decade ago, medical researchers were going gaga over the hormone leptin, which caused mice to lose a whole bunch of weight in a very short time. It had no effect on humans at all.

Still, there's the French Paradox (the French eat fatty foods but don't suffer from a lot of the consequences), which might be related to resveratrol. So there may be something in all of this. A tiny technicality, though: to get the same amount of resveratrol that turned the mice into happy, healthy fatties, a human being would need to drink between 1,500 and 3,000 bottles of wine a day. So, what are you waiting for? Time's a-wastin'!


Got Egri Bikavér? Email the ENN winos at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Attack, when vegetables

Giant killer tomatoes invade the countryside.

Vegetables tend to be benign, rarely if ever attacking people who handle or eat them. Even an uncooked vegetable will offer no resistance. Try that with a cow and you may get stomped to death. Instead of being openly aggressive, vegetables have evolved to adopt a subtle mode of attack that affords them some measure of revenge against their predators: team work. By pairing up with tiny bacteria, they can bring down dozens, sometimes hundreds, of potential enemies.



In Canada, carrot juice has forged an alliance with a renegade group of Clostridium botulinum. The latter, angry at the exploitation of its numbers by the cosmetic surgery industry, agreed to lie in ambush in perfectly innocent-looking bottles of carrot juice. The operation took down at least two unsuspecting members of the planet's dominant species. Not a huge number, but this is only the beginning.



Recently in the United States, contaminated spinach caused massive panic, and people are still frightened by the sight of greens in supermarkets. Even baby greens strike fear in the hearts of shoppers, something that has strengthened the resolve of the vegetable hordes.



The latest episode of this war of terror comes from tomatoes. And as most of you know, tomatoes are rabidly aggressive. In 2004, they formed an axis of evil with terrorist salmonella strains and infiltrated Sheetz. This led to at least 400 cases of infection in nine states. And now, they're baaaaaaaack! The latest guerilla attack is apparently over, but we know the war is not. And more vegetables may join the cause. Loyal reader and professional stair-surfer Leslie made ENN (Our Silos Overflow with Vegetables of Terror) aware of the fact that turnips may have a role in causing goiter. Our research team has found this to be true of kale and cabbage as well.


The moral of of all of this is: don't mess with the environment. When you're mean to Mama, Mama's mean to you. And she's much more powerful.

Got marinara? Email the paisans at ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Smash, it was a graveyard

Happy All Ghouls' Day
to my Carpathian-American friends!

Space, Hungarians in

To infinity and beyond!

It was a long time coming, but it's finally here: Hungarians are going to space. Charles Simonyi, the software dude, will be the next rich guy to go visit the international space station. Clearly not being one to hold a grudge over such silly little things as Stalinism, he's hitching a ride with two Russian cosmonauts who will be flying a Soyuz TMA10 to the station next year. And he may be bringing goodies prepared by domestic guru and former prison inmate Martha Stewart, who probably makes a mean borscht and is sure to also provide the finest vodka, crafted in her own estate by her very own slave staff. Way to go, Chuckie! As many of your countrypeople contemplate what could possibly be a very stark winter with no money to pay the heating bills, they will derive some warmth from the fact that you're using your fortune for the important things in life.

Got warp? Contact the space cadets of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Riots, random notes from the

• Bandannas are good -- You know, my friend Tyler is right. You can't ever have enough bandannas.
  
  
  
• Some cops are very rude -- Do they import these from New York?
  
  
  
• Some cops are very polite -- See? It actually CAN be done!
  
  
  
• Some people like to climb onto high places and then startle innocent bystanders by just dropping into the conversation. WTF? Yell "fore" or "incoming" or whatever. Yeah, you know who you are.
  
  
  
• If the forecast predicts water cannon, showering is pointless.
  
  
  
• Some people seem to love handing out flags.
  
  
  
• The four flags we got (see above) can be arranged into several different political statements.
  
  
  
• Some people like to use porta-potties as barricades. Some of us who really need to go to the bathroom deeply decry that behavior.
  
  
  
• Some people don't seem to remember that old adage: "curiosity got the cat kicked and handcuffed."
  
  
  
• Manyleventydred people in the streets, a lot of them with cell phones and cameras. Clearly part of one of those Disaster & Civil Unrest Travel Agencies, Inc. tours.
  
  
  
• Overheard: "This is way better than the floods." I'm not making this up.
  
  
  
• What's with all the Chinese?
  
  
  
• Some people have an amazing ability to be flirty in the weirdest of circumstances.
  
  
  
• The small world effect is real. Turns out ABC's "Lost" may not be so far-fetched after all (in that area...let's not push it).
  
  
  
• Thanks to whoever decided to print "rendőrség/police" on the cops' jackets. Otherwise it would be very easy to mistake them for a large group of men wearing matching riot gear, who like to control crowds and arrest people. Those who speak neither English nor Hungarian may still be wondering who all those baton-wielding guys were and what was up with the sirens and the rubber bullets.
  
  
  
• Who leaves gas in a exhibition tank's tank? And don't these things have locks or something?
  
  
  

Got anarchy? Contact the rabble-rousing staff of ENN @ eza_news @ yahoo.com

Past, remembering the

Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness…. When experience is not retained, as among savages, infancy is perpetual. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it…. This is the condition of children and barbarians, in whom instinct has learned nothing from experience. ~ George Santayana, The Life of Reason, vol. 1, chapter 12, p. 284 (1905).

Got memory? Email the traveling ENN staff (in Budapest for a short time) at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Tapes, enough with the

zMonikagate: New Tape Reveals Magyar Government are Boneheads.

This past Sunday, the state radio broadcast a tape of a closed (as in not public) government meeting in which Cabinet minister Monika Lamperth apparently reassured her colleagues that even though the opposition party had swept the elections, the government party would still get to control the money. "Believe me, we know what we have to do," Lamperth said. "It will be a modification which crosses out the assertion in newspaper headlines that from now on we will be in trouble because Fidesz will be distributing the money." [Insert ominous music here. ]

The plot sickens. How many of these leaked tapes of secret meetings are there, people? It's getting a little silly. ENN (Knowing What to Do Since 2006) would like to suggest some moderately priced security equipment that might go a long way to ensure that the liars and cheats in government can continue lying and cheating with impunity. We'd also like to suggest wrist checks and swift execution of anyone found wearing this watch.

We would also like to ask those who are taping all this stuff to start releasing the sex tapes. Come on, you know there must be at least one. Stop teasing and give up the goods, dudes.

Got intrigue? Email the scoundrelly staff of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Party, the life of the

Coming soon to a theater near you:

Lie Actually, starring Hugh Grant as Gyurcsány Ferenc.

In an astonishing new development in the scandal surrounding Gyurcsány Ferenc's latest audio release (Feri's Greatest Hit), media experts have revealed that they believe the "secret" recording may have not been so secret after all. In fact, they claim that it was probably recorded in a studio by a cable directly connected to Feri's microphone. In Feri's defense, ENN (Is This Thing On?) would like to point out that the PM may not have noticed his private speech to the elite was being piped into a top of the line, albeit secret recording studio at EMI, because at the time he was caught in wave after wave of "passionate speech" (cough, cough).

On an even more interesting note (G flat), it seems that before Magyar Rádió received the recording, a CD of the speech was offered for sale. Sadly, there were no takers, mainly because a capella works are not so popular as they once were, and also because the price tag was over €100,000, which is slightly higher than the usual price for this type of work. Free advice to Feri's manager: next time, make him rap the speech, and have him change his stage name to Big Daddy Gy.

Got tunes? Email the rappin' gangsta mofos at ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Scream, the primal

Help, help! I've been stolen!

As if ringtones weren't annoying enough (must you have the entire William Tell Overture on your cell phone?), now there is The Scream, a nasty, high-pitched wail you can have your phone emit if it's been stolen. ENN (We Got the Network), would like to thank cell-phone-carrying reader Leslie for bringing to our attention this new development in the world of communications. We believe this technology will impact the world of medicine as well, especially the fascinating (and rapidly growing) field of eardrum transplants.

For a small monthly fee of 18 USD**, you can have Synchronica remotely manage your phone. In case you notice your phone has been stolen, all you have to do is notify them, and they will turn on the blasted, unholy, ear-piercing blasphemy that they like to call the Synchronica Scream Feature. Eighteen dollars a month is not a huge price to pay for the satisfaction of knowing the abominable thief is lying somewhere in an alley, blood pouring from his ears. Revenge of the machine, dude. Can you hear me now, you filthy fother-mucker?

A very interesting fact that Synchronica reveals in their press release is that, whereas it takes people about 30 seconds to notice their cell phone is missing, it takes them one hour to notice their wallet or purse are gone. Hello? We can understand not noticing that a wallet has been taken by a clever, silk-fingered pickpocket, but a purse? Ladies, hang up and pay more attention. That pulling sensation you just felt on your shoulder is not a muscle spasm, but a signal that some dude just made off with your giant purse. But don't worry: the phone is all right, still safely tucked against your ear, busily working on that tumor in your parietal lobe. Thank goodness for small favors.

Coming soon: the Scream Feature Chip you can add to your car, pets, kids, and last but not least, spouse. Better stock up on earplugs.

**The basic service does not include the hairless blue woman.

Got ringtones? Don't bother emailing the staff at ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com. We're sick of'em.

Trouble, maybe he has prostate

Move me on to any black square

The staff of ENN (Taking a Straight and Stronger Course) doesn't really play much chess, but we're always up for a good chess scandal. One of our many pawns has sent in this site, which describes the sordid details of what shall henceforth be known as Toiletgate. The Bulgarian grandmaster, Veselin Topalov, complained that his rival, Vladimir Kramnik, goes to the john more often than any person in history, which may be evidence he is somehow cheating by using some kind of method Topalov didn't think of first. In any case, something definitely smells here. But not to worry; the authorities acted with alacrity: as a result of Mr. Kramnik's excessive use of the facilities, the players' private toilets have been closed, and the two will now share a privy. The world heaves a collective sigh of relief as the sanctity and honor of the game is restored, and the sound of flushing much diminished. We would like to suggest that in the future, the players be outfitted with catheters.

We hope that the best player wins and that he makes the white queen run so fast she hasn't got time to make him a wife. And to both we say: just remember that the goal is for us all to capture all we want. Oh, yeah, baby.

Gun, Gyula got a

Macska, ENN's chief of security

Anybody wanna run for office in Hungary? As luck would have it, a slot has recently become available in Somogy. Szabó Gyula had to withdraw his candidature on account of his having shot a man. Surprisingly, this appears to automatically disqualify him for office, even though the man was already dead, at least according to the headline. The now dead-for-sure guy had allegedly been blackmailing Szabó, and is therefore referred to as "an entrepreur" in the article. Anyone interested in a career in the exciting world of Hungo politics has about 2.5 days to put together a campaign. Lying is optional, but it has proven to work in the past.

Got ammo? Email ENN's Guns'n'Gulyás Division at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Problems. experiencing technical

Maybe it's Blogger, maybe something else, but the system is quite messed up. It seems some people have been unable to load the site for days, others have posted comments but they have never shown up, and the list goes on. There's nothing I can do about this, much as I would like to. Blogger is free, and we get what we pay for.

World, lie heard 'round the

Because lying on audiotape lacks the face time necessary to make one's way in the modern world, it is important to continue the work on videotape. Further, it is even more advantageous to do it in front of a worldwide audience. Indubitably, Feri doesn't show the velvety, ophidian skill of a Peter Mandelson, but then again, Mandy lies in his native tongue. ENN (We Make It Happen Daily) admires Feri's efforts to carry on the charade in a foreign language. Sadly, we must rate this video an 8 (out of 10), due to the lack of "passionate speech."


Got cheek? Email the shameless staff of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Marbles, Slota lost his

We at ENN (We Are Hu) spent the past two weekends debating the politics of Central Europe*, so we haven't had time to update our readership on the zany events that tend to take place in that subsidiary of Comedy Central. Unconfirmed reports from underpaid informants tell us that Ján Slota may have finally fallen prey to delirium tremens, as he has allegedly called the Hungo PM "a wise politician." Clearly Ján needs to have a few cleansing drinks if he doesn't want to completely destroy the delicate balance of ethnic hatred between our two nations. We really can't allow these sort of shenanigans, so have one or twenty on the house, dude, and come back in with one of those trademark snarling invectives we've all come to expect.

On other news also involving Ján, the magyar far-right group Hatvannégy Vármegye Ifjúsági Mozgalom (that's magyar for: "We have a really long name") held a rally in front of the Slovakian embassy in Budapest in which about 250 people burned pictures of Slota and also of the guys who beat up the Hungo girl in Nytra. To make sure their point was not missed, they also stamped on and spit at said photos. The magyar police will not prosecute these voodoo practitioners, on the grounds that burning, spitting at, and stomping on photos of Slovak politicians does not constitute breaking the law. ENN (Lumpen Elements Always Opposite Spitting in Public) believes this stance might cause the statue of Petőfi in Pozsony to experience some more facial surgery, possibly at the hands of the Slovak cops.

These actions on both sides of the river, while a form of free speech, detract from more legitimate pursuits, such as drinking. This leads to a slump in alcohol sales, which not only hurts the economy, but has the potential to land the whole area into a serious state of lethal sobriety. So do your patriotic duty, whichever side of the Duna you find yourself in, and head for the nearest bar. And no spitting in the drinks. That's just unholy.


*sleeping late, drinking, and carousing like a certain minority

Got kerítésszaggató? Email the thirsty staff of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Mat, stare at the

Someone who really needs to quit drinking and find gainful employment left a couple of fascinating * comments in response to an earlier post.


Ján Slota, Prává Slovenská Národná Strana said...

We hate the Magyars because of their subtle territorial designs on Slovakia and other neighbouring countries. They want Transylvania and shit will hit fan in Vojvodina as well. Vojvodina is the next Kosovo. If they come to blows, we will be there to fight with our Slavic brothers! I would like to get into a tank and flatten central Budapest. Watch out Hungarian monkeys!

Mad'ar hajzely! Pojeb si staru mat'! Die Magyar scum!

[From the editorial board: For those who may not be aware of international politics: Ján Slota -- the "before" half of an AA poster; Prává Slovenská Národná Strana --Real Schlurry Nashonal Party]

And now a few comments of our own:

We hate the Magyars because of their subtle territorial designs on Slovakia and other neighbouring countries.

Oh, so it's not the annoying ringtones, then? Excellent. And sorry about the subtlety. We're working day and night to remedy that.

They want Transylvania

Well, it's part of a list, really. We have subtle designs for many other places as well. Mostly beachy places with good surfing.

and shit will hit fan in Vojvodina as well.

How will they notice?

Vojvodina is the next Kosovo.

I hear Nigeria is the next Vojvodina. And Monaco is the next Nigeria. It is all messed up, dude.

If they come to blows, we will be there to fight with our Slavic brothers!

Is there a particular reason for this fight, or do you find those Slavs as annoying as everyone else does?

I would like to get into a tank and flatten central Budapest.

Dude, why waste money on a tank? Just stagger to the middle of Pozsony, face south and exhale.

Watch out Hungarian monkeys!

That's very kind of you to have so much concern for the monkeys. But it's the people you have to worry about, dude.

Mad'ar hajzely! Pojeb si staru mat'! Die Magyar scum!

Make up your mind, dawg.


Got bilingual dictionaries? Contact the Linguistics Division of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com






*[as in pointless]

Now, look who we got our Hanes on

You didn't see much of this in '56, I'm told.

ENN (We Have Subtle Designs for You!) conducted a poll this morning. After giving people a brief background on the situation, we showed the photo and asked people to comment on it. Here's a sample of the responses:

• Theatre on the Square presents: Jesus Christ Superstar, now playing in Budapest.
• Come together, right now, over me.
• My fellow citizens! Can you guess my religion?
• Boy, talk about glasnost.
• These shorts don't lie, dudes.
• First row, second from the right: looking intently at the package.
• What exactly was this demonstration about??
• Excuse me! Where's the gay rights demonstration?
• Is that the Gyurcsány package?
• Ne gatyázz!
• The dude is demonstrating the new austerity measures: no more clothes for anyone.
• I have wondered for YEARS whether Hungarians wear boxers or briefs.
• I can't tell if he's right wing or left wing...
• And because of the new security rules, this is the only way they'll let you board a plane
• I got yer package right here, Gyurcsány!
• I'm telling you, dude, it was THIS big!
• OK, which one of you assholes took my pants?
• What? This isn't the swimming trials?
• Oh, man, I've had nightmares like this.
• I think the women should protest in a similar way.

Got package? Email the lady editors of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Nothing, Thaksin for

The staff of ENN (Morally Alive and Well, Thank You) decided to cut school today and hang around our headquarters and surf the news in our jim jams, surrounded by edibles and drinkables, because, well, we need our strength in these trying times, m'k? Judging by the news reports we watched most of the day, a bunch of stuff happens all the time in the United States, and either there is no world outside, or it's very boring and nothing remarkable happens there. Thankfully the Net proved this theory wrong, and we visited many sites to learn about what sorts of things other people had been up to today. Turns out it was a pretty hopping day indeed.

Anyway, come late afternoon the Attilas formed an axis of evil with Ferengie Steve and together they took the remote hostage and forced it to tune into ESPN. The rest of the staff of ENN (Always Opposite ESPN) managed, through brilliant military strategy worthy of our warrior blood, to rescue the remote and use it to tune into the BBC World News report, the only TV news program we could find that acknowledged the existence of Other Countries With Newsworthy Things Happening in Them.

Of all the news reports we watched during the day, this was the only one that actually had footage of the giant block party that took place in one of the world's cities that amazingly enough exist outside of the USA. It was a pretty awesome party, with bofires, water games, and people engaging in some major (de)construction work as they sang songs that called for the resignation of some guy who's been doing a very accurate impression of a Turkish rug for a long time.

And then we did a double take as the news presenter began reporting the when-we-say-resign-we-mean-it coup in Thailand. For a moment there we thought maybe we'd had way too much of the fruity wine and the plum juice and were seeing double. So we had a few more drinks to clear our heads and realized that, yep, the Thai military had actually taken over and kicked PM Thaksin Shinawatra out of office. We're still investigating whether he had done any amount of lying or if any tapes were involved.

What's somewhat surreal is some of the parallels between the situation in Thailand and that of the country where the water cannon Olympic trials had been taking place overnight. The similarities are not quite as impressive as those sheets that list the similarities between Kennedy and Lincoln, but they're still interesting. Check it out:

• Discontent among the masses had increased steadily in the past few months, and protestors were demanding that their PM resign, charging that he had undermined democracy.
  
  
• The military coup comes just weeks before an election. [The previous election -- in April!! -- has been declared invalid, something which the people of a certain country might want to consider doing].
  
  
• The currency traded down sharply as a result of the political unrest.
  
  
• The two cities where most of the stuff happened have names beginning with B.
  
  

Interestingly, and according to what we saw on the BBC World News, the coup took place quite peacefully -- there were a whole bunch of tanks circling the PM's offices, and many armed soldiers hanging around joking with the locals ("Two Prime Ministers walk into a bar..."). There was not a single car on fire, though irritatingly enough most restaurants had closed early, a very serious situation which might lead to severe riots organized by tourists craving some Thai pad. In the event that lawlessness should descend upon Bangkok, riot police have been deployed and ordered to spray rioters with peanut sauce. The hot kind.

So, the moral of the story appears to be that if you really want something done, you ought to look to Asia for inspiration. And if you crave some Thai pad, you better pack your own noodles.

Got civic discontent? Email the Adopt-a-PM Division of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com