The sea killing you too slowly?Reach for Unicum, for a quick death!
We at ENN (Raising the IQ of the WWW Readership since 2006) like to sit around discussing important social topics such as suicide rates and alcoholism, both of which are quite rampant in Hungary. In fact, according to some sources, suicide is seen as just another solution to one's problems in Hungary (much in the same way lawsuits are seen by Americans). After all, suicide is painless and it brings on many changes, or so the song goes. But this isn't the song that is associated with Hungarian suicides. The one that's been tied to people choosing the "final solution" (so to speak) is called Gloomy Sunday (Szomorú Vasárnap) and part of it goes:
Little white flowers won't wait for you,
not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you.
Angels have no thought of ever returning you.
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?
At one time, way back in the 30s, this was a really hot tune, covered by such famous people as Billie Holliday and Louie Armstrong, and with versions in many foreign languages including Chinese and Esperanto. I wonder if The Beatles ever had a song translated to Esperanto. Urban legend says young lovers hear this song and feel an irresistible impulse to plummet out of windows. At ENN (We'd Like to Teach the World to Sing) we prefer to just turn off the iPod. A recent poll conducted in our offices and those of the Great Hungarian Conspiracy revealed that most people thought that the Stones' Paint it Black is a much cooler suicide song. Szomorú Vasárnap didn't make the top five, and the audience voted it off the Island.
But is the song really to blame? Recently, as the editorial staff was lounging around launching spitballs at the ceiling, someone decided to open a bottle of Unicum. Feeling adventurous, everyone poured a little of this so-called "liquor" into a glass and we all tossed back in unison. Immediately, some tossed it right back out. That was one short foray into the world of reckless adventure.
No one really knows exactly what's in Unicum. The company says the recipe is secret, and that it contains 40 herbs and spices. That's a lot more herbs & spices than those found in Colonel Sanders' secret recipe for the Kentucky fried chicken. Maybe that's Unicum's problem, overkill. A little heavy on the hemlock, perhaps. Which might explain why more people prefer KFC.
After having cleansed our palates with some good pálinka, the staff went to work, and in what is surely a feat of investigative journalism, found what exactly is in Unicum. So, without further ado, we present to you the official list of Unicum ingredients:
Gentian
Hops
Molasses
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
Hemlock
Chalk
Ground up cicadas
Spider vomit
Cat urine
Shinola
Wormwood
Horse sperm
Vegemite
Grapefruit seed extract
Chicory
Dandelion
Milk thistle
Cow pats
Barley water
Varnish
Elmer's glue
Radicchio
Bitter almonds
Juju beans
Hornet grubs
Ginger
Formic acid
Dung
Clay
Mice
Pork Rinds
Monkey spit
Poke weed
Ink
Sea cucumber
Tequila worms
Eel intestines
Well, there you have it. You've got to get yourself some of this stuff. Tastes exactly like Keith Richards after a concert. Now you're probably nodding and wondering whether it might be this concoction and not the economy/culture that's to blame for Hungary's rampant alcoholism and high suicide rate.
Got death wish? Email the ENN counselors at eza_news@yahoo.com
