School supplies 
Your millennia are numbered, Y. Muahahahahahah.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
Like other parties of the kind, it was first silent, then talky, then argumentative, then disputatious, then unintelligible, then altogether, then inarticulate, and then drunk. When we had reached the last step of this glorious ladder, it was difficult to get down again without stumbling. ~George Gordon Byron
I thought this quote really describes some of the parties we throw at our house. You know, the kind where, like, every relative we can get a hold of is invited, and they all show up, with spouses, kids, sometimes with dogs, sometimes with neighbors and people they must pick up by the side of the road because they look like they're in dire need of a damn good party.
It was a holiday on Sunday. OK, it was a holiday in Hungary, and we live in the US (our sincere apologies to Vörösmarty Mihály). But hey, we may not actually live in Hungary, but we're still Hungarian, some of us more than others. So we throw a party. Because we can.
The whole celebratory thing started in the morning, with a huge breakfast for those clever people who had arrived early in the morning, knowing my mom would have cooked enough food to feed Eurasia. There were about a dozen people for breakfast, and we ate a lot, and talked a lot, many times simultaneously. Can you say cacophony? People were sharing gossip, telling jokes, arguing about politics, and even Chuck Norris got a mention. It was fun. After breakfast, while some of us unfortunates were drafted for dishwashing duty, other people went outside and continued the whole thing, because a party must not be interrupted. Ever.
Lunch arrived, and more food was had by all. More people had arrived in the meantime, and my dad was having a lot of fun being the gracious host. There were kids running all over the place, and you know this means Turtle must be sequestered somewhere so the kids won't get rowdy with the poor thing. After lunch people in general beached themselves around the back yard and gabbed and gabbed. After doing slave duty in the kitchen, I joined my friends and we had our own little party with music and drinks. My dad was in a very good mood and actually said we could have some of his wine. I made sure he repeated this in front of witnesses, and then helped myself to some bottles.
The party got rowdier and louder as more people arrived for the main event, dinner. More food was brought in and was joyfully eaten. In between all the eating there were games, music, dancing, more games, more joking, more mentions of Chuck Norris and other notables. The merriment went on till the wee hours. Me and my friends adjoured to the den to watch The 4400, and then we played some games as we stuffed our faces with dessert. It was shameful, really. Jenny Craig must be frowning somewhere.
And we get to do it again next year! Yep, we're unrepentant. Oink.
Got palacsinta? Love chocolate sauce? Email eza-news at yahoo.com
WerwolfSSlovakia and friend come to a stunning realization.
An attentive Slovak reader and Hungarian sympathizer who wishes to remain anonymous sent ENN (ENN is heart of world! Always opposite CNN!) the subtitles for werwolfSSlovakia's "morons with matches" video. Ya know, Wolfie, English Grammar for Dumbass Skinheads would be a good investment for you.
Welkome in Slovakia
(Slovakia) is beautifully
Slovakia is our
we never not to be Hungary
Slovakia is heart Europe!!!
WerwolfSSlovakia is idiotly.
Do you love/hate Hungary/Slovakia? Are you heart Europe? Email eza_news at yahoo.com and tell our magyarly-lovingly staff all about it.
Previously, on Them Apples:
Generic slovak: you came to slovakia one by one and soon you will try to get land???
Not-quite-fast-enough reader Sára sent in a link to a Hungary-hating video created by some Slovakian types. Unfortunately, the video has since been removed, so EZA News Network (Lumpen Elements of Society United to Fight Peace Wherever it Should Arise) can't brilliantly deconstruct it and point out the socio-economic causes underlying its vile lyrics. It was one of those "you blink, you miss it" things, like Slovakia. Man, those guys sure don't like us, huh? Apparently the video was some kind of skinhead heavy metal opus, the kind where the people at the microphone basically scream and those on the floor jump around and bump swastikas. EZA has since perused a couple of other offerings by the creator of the hate-em-hungos video, who goes by the handle werwolfSSlovakia (yes, he can't spell). Hmmmm....SS....could that be a clever reference to Adolf's little party? I saw a werewolf waving a swastika at Trader Vic's; his sieg heil was perfect. Ahooo, werewolves of Bratislava....ahoooooooo.
EZA can't confirm the contents of the video (which included the burning of a Hungarian flag) since no one at ENN HQ managed to catch it before it was removed by YouTube, so we can base this report only on hearsay. But hey, hearsay's good enough for us. We're not picky. According to Sára, it was less than 2 minutes short (because on top of having bad grammar and tiny genitalia, bigots have short attention spans), and it was in some kind of English. Bad English. She remembers one phrase from it: "Always opposite Hungary!" Howzzat for a war cry? Eat your heart out Alexandru Duţă. You never came up with something so creative for your little magyar-zapping game.
I don't know about you, but I think it's heart-warming how English has become a lingua franca, and now we can all make sure that the people we hate understand we're not just waving across the border at them, we're threatening them with genocide as well as insulting their mothers. Before the advent of English as a more or less universal language, you had to trust the guy on the other side would understand some hand gestures, or you actually had to invest on grenade-launchers and other aggressive things, and those can max out your Visa, like, in seconds. Not all of us are Israel, after all.
The comments to the videos ENN did watch demonstrated how wonderful English can be to bring together diverse peoples into the commonality of bigotry. People who don't speak Hungarian, for example, totally would miss the colorful insult posted by an angry magyar (EZA speaks only a little magyar, but she's pretty fluent in the cursing department and other useful areas), while the insult posted by someone else in English was clear to almost everyone, possibly including werwolfSSlovakia. This is a good thing. This is communication! Imagine what amazing wars we could've had in the past if we could've understood all this hatred and replied in kind. Nowadays we write little insulting messages on missiles, which I think furthers the reach of English as the universal tongue.
The Slovaks should be careful, because we have more diacritics than anyone else in the world and we pack some mean suffixes. We have hot paprika guns as well, and those are everything to sneeze at. And as if that weren't enough, we also have Chuck Norris. So, take thee for a dumpster dive, 'werwolf,' you naughty little Slovak brat, you. Don't make us open a can of whoop-goulash.
Are you a loser slovak who has nothing better to do with your empty life that insult the magyar people? Email eza_news at yahoo.com...our magyar staff enjoys making fun of you.
In case of emergency, ticket inspectors may be used as flotation devices
Alert and wet-to-the-marrow readers Sára and her manly toy boy Attila floated down the streets of Budapest after the huge-ass downpour on Tuesday, risking their lives for the sake of journalism. Seems Budapest was this close to displacing the Balaton as the largest lake in Europe. Down in the Metro, people joyfully lashed ticket inspectors together to make handy rafts.
Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, the Ministry for Way Overdue Public Works announced they were serious this time and they would build that 8th bridge across the Duna. (when EZA News requested an interview, ministry spokesperson Pató Pál úr replied, "Ej, ráérünk arra még!") Anyway, given that the name they came up with ("Bridge Across the Duna That Has Been Promised for, What, Decades and That Will Be Delayed for Another Eight Months, Apparently") is unwieldy and would most likely require a bazillion suffixes, they decided to run an Internet poll and ask the people to vote for a name. They hoped this cunning strategy would distract the people from the issue of the bridge being slightly behind the promised schedule. This being cucumber season, Hungarians decided to chuck (har har) tradition, which normally calls for the use of names of saints and other famous Hungarians, and poured votes on the name of that rugged, quasi-mythical figure, Mr. Walker,Texas Ranger himself, Chuck Norris.
This is brilliant, because if anyone can span the Duna, that's Chuck. He can leap tall buildings at a single bound. He roundhouse kicks the sun around the sky every day. He wrestles tornadoes with his bare hands. He fights evil and defends the weak and oppressed. He arranges flowers better than Martha Stewart. Szent István király may have founded the Hungarian state, but he is nothing compared to Chuck Norris.
From Buda to Pest, I will lay me down.
Of course, the authorities reserve the right to pick a name for the bridge. They don't really care what you think. As every conspiracy theorist knows, the Internet poll was just a ruse, mere busywork to keep people distracted from the machinations of the Illuminati. Given that the name Szent Korona-híd is currently (and surely temporarily) in the lead, they may have in fact already exerted their evil ways on the people. We may have to consider a bloody revolution, one so mighty and terrifying that rivers of blood may run as deep as the Metro waters. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
You're next, Potter.
