Rope, if it only had a

Somewhere over the rainbow, grimness lies

Tin Man, the 2007 Sci Fi channel's signature movie, is in dire need of a rope to hang itself. After the awesome The Lost Room in 2006, this new mini comes as a disappointment. ENN (We Are Big Fans of Neal McDonough), loves sci fi, but we often wonder why it always has to be so dark and hopeless and full of depression. We weren't expecting Dorothy skipping along the Yellow Bricked Road, dressed in a happy little dress and singing happy songs with her pals, but come on, people, surely it's possible to have a somewhat lighter palette every once in a while? Find a happy medium?

Got brain? Email the ENN sad zombies at eza_news.at.yahoo.com

Wizard, she ought to see the

Kellie Pickler, with friends Dorothy and Toto

With the thoughts you'd be thinkin'
You could be another Lincoln
If you only had a brain

At ENN (We're Smarter Than Your Average Lint Trap) we like to lounge around the newsroom discussing lofty topics, such as the real reason behind the fall of the Roman empire (crumbling infrastructure, or banana peels placed strategically by clever barbarian leaders?), the impact of the Industrial Revolution on Western civilization (in time, it led to iPhones), or why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings.

But sometimes we like to dip our massive intellects into the topics that preoccupy those far less smart than we are, and this is one such time. Two words: Kellie Pickler. We used to think it would be impossible for humanity to produce someone more retarded than Paris Hilton, but clearly we hadn't reached low enough.

In a recent episode of "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?" Kellie was faced with a very tough 3rd grade question, one that practically caused a cascade failure in her brain, as the lone neuron got bent out of shape while trying to maintain structural integrity:

Budapest is the capital of what European country?

Beyond the stereotypical assertion that blondes are stupid (not all of them are.... I personally know two who are smarter than Hawking), are they also out to get their own kind? Kellie, sweetie, didn't anyone ever say to you, in whatever hick town you come from where schools haven't been invented yet, that it's better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt? Kellie made everyone watching this show nod knowingly at one another, and snicker as they all agreed that yes, it's true blondes are idiots (and idiots who are not naturally blond will eventually dye their hair blond as a badge and marker of their stupidity) and only good for one thing, namely, apple picking.

Anyway, we digress. As sweet Kellie tried to talk her way through this very tough geography question in a voice whose pitch made my dog whine, she came up with so much material for late night show comics that the WGA is seriously reconsidering their strike.

Some highlights:

I thought Europe was a country.
Budapest…I’ve never even heard of that.
I know they speak French there.
Is France a country?
I don’t even know what I’m doing.
I don’t think France is a country. But I would have said that. I don’t know.


Awww, ain't she adorable? Dumb as a box of hair and a poster child for the sterilization of the stupid. But let's roll the tape, Attila!

As Ferengie Steve would say: res ipsa loquitur, which is roughly equivalent to: stupid is as stupid does. And the answer is, of course, Bogota. Duh.

Got IQ? Email the beautiful minds of ENN at eza_news.at.yahoo.com.

Back, the Gap strikes

Mind The Gap: Emma Clark's war cry landed her in hot water

As payback for her long and hostile anti-Gap campaign, the American company (NYSE: GPS) decided to launch a malevolent DoS attack, and as a result, Emma's page has been taken down for the duration of her 15 minutes of fame. ENN (We're Loud, We're Proud, We're the Magyar-American Crowd) laments its part in promoting Emma and her funny little corner of the Web, though we remind everyone we had nothing to do with this silly anti-Gap war of Emma's. We're very much aware you can't beat The System, and as a matter of fact, we have a mug that says so. We'd never go against the London Underground or The Gap, though we think we might start a "Mind Banana Republic" campaign. Until then, give peace a chance, people, and tally me banana.

PS: To those who send Eejit Mail, yes, we know BR is a brand of The Gap (so is Old Navy). Yes, we know Clarke is referring to the gap between the train and the platform. Now, go off and do something for humankind, like getting sterilized. Thank you evah so much.

Got gripe? Take a hike.

Gap, mind the

At ENN (Slackers R Us) we like to support writers' strikes before they happen, and this is why there are so many gaps in between postings. Anyway, we're off the couch for a moment to post the ridiculous sacking of one Emma Clarke because she made fun of, among other things, American tourists. Emma's that voice you hear when you're on the Tube, the one who every so often warns people about The Gap.

Being Americans, the staff of ENN (amerikaiak vagyunk)knows American tourists are hilarious. Also, as Americans, we often exercise our constitutional right of making fun of Brits, so turnabout is fair play, no? But I guess that besides having bad teeth and being crap lovers, Brits have a low tolerance for employee humor. This, ironically, makes them take one more step in the direction of becoming American. And you guys thought you had gotten rid of us by sending a few Puritans over the ocean? Hah! Too funny.

But I digress. On her website, Emma has funny announcements we all may secretly wish we could've heard while using The System. One of them says "We would like to remind our American tourist friends that you are almost certainly talking too loudly." Apparently Emma has experienced American tourists before. Just in case you think the focus of her "slagging" is for the loud-mouthed Yanks, she also takes a stab at Londoners. I hope she will come up with one addressed just to Madonna, who is an American living in London, and thus straddles two categories (there may even be a photo of her in this pose, in her book of naked pics).

A spokesman for the London Underground said that they're "sorry to have to announce that further contracts for Ms Clarke are experiencing severe delays." Ha ha, so hilarious, and the spokesman didn't get canned for it (or sacked, if you're British). How come he can slag Emma but Emma can't slag anyone? Surely there must be a card we can play here: sexism, racism, speciesism, or some other ism. Emma, you fight, girl! Also, give The Gap another try. They're a bit expensive, but their stuff is nicer than the crap at Banana Republic.

Got bad teeth? Contact the ENN orthodontists at eza_news@yahoo.com

Invitation, reversing the

[This was not written by ENN -- at ENN, we only believe in Peter Pan, Frankenstein, and Superman]

I invite you to convert to Christianity: A reply to Osama Bin Laden and to all Muslims.

You have just invited Americans to become Muslims. If Americans were unfamiliar with, or complacent about Islam before 9-11, that certainly was a wake-up call that compelled Americans to look at Muslims and Islam with the utmost scrutiny. For this wake-up call the world should be grateful to you.

You invite us to join Islam? I suspect by this time we know Islam intimately and its history better than even you do. You see, you have only had the interest to study the book known as the Qur'an from its insides, words written within that you follow and love so dearly. But there is more. What about the foundations and history of this book? You have compelled us to study these, to look at what history has to say outside the Quran about Mohammed and this religion he preached.. Let me share with you some of the undisputed facts about Islam.

Before Mohammed "cleansed" the Kabba of many idols, it was in fact a pagan temple dedicated by Hindus (although they weren't called Hindus yet). The tribe of Mohammed followed a primary idol known as Durga, the moon god Al-llat who was represented by the crescent moon to the Arabs and the Hindus. Even before Mohammed claimed prophetic visions he wanted to be a Hebrew (obviously people he admired for their intelligence and beauty) and so he began emulating the Hebrews and their monotheism, but the Jews could not accept Mohammed (for a lot of legitimate reasons, primarily because Biblical law is very strict about how prophets are to be chosen by God and Mohammed did not fill the Bible's own instructions, thus he could not have been a prophet of the same Bible. That would be a contradiciton).

And so Mohammed became angry with the Jews and Chrisitians and turned against them and began having his visions of his own god in his own way. God ceased to be called by the name Ar-Rahman and Mohammed began
using the word Al-Llah to describe his god. This was never the Christian or Hebrew Yahweh (Elohei Avraham, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob), but the pagan Arab-Hindu Al-Lat of the Qurashi tribe. (Al simple meant "the" and ilah meant "goddess", not God)

Thus we also went from descriptions of Paradise full of light and angels and the face of God, to promises of Paradise for men and their 72 virgins and unlimited young boys, food, and pleasures. Well, this was a
novel new approach if nothing else! Mohammed even reinvented Heaven!

How did the association of Islam with violence and the sword begin? Why even before Mohammed thought to call his religion Islam (submission) and to call his god Allah (Durga) cowardly night killings of all dissenters was sanctioned by Mohammed himself. Consider the horrific deaths of these elderly men and poetesses; al Harith b. Suwayed b. Samit, Abu Afak, Asma b. Marwan, those killed by Amr Umayya, and then began those
times when Mohammed broke with all the established rules of warfare and made raids during religious holy days and against caravans and peoples he only "suspected" might be against him. No one had to make a move
toward Mohammed. He always attacked first. Well, let's not forget that he often sent letters just like yours warning people to become Muslims before he used violence against them...Altogether he raised 65 military
campaigns and was still ordering warfare on his deathbed.

All this raised the question: "What makes a man of God if not his own deeds and good conduct?" If Mohammed lied, ordered illegal attacks and warfare even against poetesses, called people decendants of monkeys and
pigs, cursed them to hell, what manner of man would do such things? A godly man? Not compared with men like Buddha and Jesus!

And now we come to the 21st century. The entire world speaks excitedly of men and women exploring the stars together, colonizing other planets, and all being democratic and equal. But not Islam. Not Muslims. You
instead invite all Americans to go backward in time, to live as 15th century Arabs when women must remain second class citizens, covered head to toe, and unequal to the intelligence of man.

Honestly Osama, I don't know of one American woman (or man for that matter) who wants to go backward instead of forward financially, intellectually, in education, in science.

You are but a victim yourself from a country and a belief system that is trapped, locked in a faraway time and place that you think was great and wonderful but in fact was cruel and brutal. You want us to cut off
hands, behead innocent captives, and stone people to death in some backward leap in time and yet you dare tell us this is "better?" Better than what?

Jesus was a prophet of gentleness who never had to threaten or kill anyone. Even while facing his death he did not utter curses or words of damnation against anyone. He forgave them. He would probably forgive you
too Osama, although I personally consider that a stretch. You have a lot of innocent blood on your hands, something you seem proud of, but something Jesus may find sad and shocking.

You invite us to join Islam, but we have done our study of your religion and find it seriously wanting in kindness, intelligence, equality, opportunity, devoid of spirituality (although not devoid of mindless
prayers five times a day) cruel and backward.

Since you gave the entire world that "wake-up call" on 9-11, and so much more, like bombing the Bamiyan Buddha, India Parliament, Bali, Madrid, and the endless verbal and terrorist attacks against Jews,
Christians, and Buddhists around the world, we have considered Islam and we reject it.

That leaves all Muslims only one alternative. I invite all Muslims to leave Islam and become Christians, or Jews, or Buddhists, or even Hindus, Sikhs, or Zoroastrians. Islam now has the fastest and largest rate
of conversions of all religions in the world. In the first year after the 9-11 attacks over 2 million Muslims left Islam for other religions, primarily Christianity. Each year the number leaving Islam grows larger. I urge you to join them now Osama, and I urge all Muslims around the world to leave that insanity as fast as possible and join the side of rational, intelligent, spiritual human beings who will love you and welcome you out of 15th century Arabia and into the 21st century Space Age...

Welcome to Christianity, the good side of mankind.

Aisha Shameem

Got cult? Don't drink the kool aid!

Hokies, mourning with the

We are Virginia Tech.

We are sad today, and we will be sad for quite a while. We are not moving on, we are embracing our mourning.
We are Virginia Tech.
We are strong enough to stand tall tearlessly, we are brave enough to bend to cry, and we are sad enough to know that we must laugh again.
We are Virginia Tech.
We do not understand this tragedy. We know we did nothing to deserve it, but neither does a child in Africa dying of AIDS, neither do the invisible children walking the night away to avoid being captured by the rogue army, neither does the baby elephant watching his community being devastated for ivory, neither does the Mexican child looking for fresh water, neither does the Appalachian infant killed in the middle of the night in his crib in the home his father built with his own hands being run over by a boulder because the land was destabilized. No one deserves a tragedy.
We are Virginia Tech.
The Hokie Nation embraces our own and reaches out with open heart and hands to those who offer their hearts and minds. We are strong, and brave, and innocent, and unafraid. We are better than we think and not quite what we want to be. We are alive to the imaginations and the possibilities. We will continue to invent the future through our blood and tears and through all our sadness.
We are the Hokies.
We will prevail.
We will prevail.
We will prevail.
We are Virginia Tech.

Professor Nikki Giovanni, Virginia Tech convocation, April 17, 2007

Unicum, maybe it's the

The sea killing you too slowly?

Reach for Unicum, for a quick death!

We at ENN (Raising the IQ of the WWW Readership since 2006) like to sit around discussing important social topics such as suicide rates and alcoholism, both of which are quite rampant in Hungary. In fact, according to some sources, suicide is seen as just another solution to one's problems in Hungary (much in the same way lawsuits are seen by Americans). After all, suicide is painless and it brings on many changes, or so the song goes. But this isn't the song that is associated with Hungarian suicides. The one that's been tied to people choosing the "final solution" (so to speak) is called Gloomy Sunday (Szomorú Vasárnap) and part of it goes:

Little white flowers won't wait for you,
not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you.
Angels have no thought of ever returning you.
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?

At one time, way back in the 30s, this was a really hot tune, covered by such famous people as Billie Holliday and Louie Armstrong, and with versions in many foreign languages including Chinese and Esperanto. I wonder if The Beatles ever had a song translated to Esperanto. Urban legend says young lovers hear this song and feel an irresistible impulse to plummet out of windows. At ENN (We'd Like to Teach the World to Sing) we prefer to just turn off the iPod. A recent poll conducted in our offices and those of the Great Hungarian Conspiracy revealed that most people thought that the Stones' Paint it Black is a much cooler suicide song. Szomorú Vasárnap didn't make the top five, and the audience voted it off the Island.

But is the song really to blame? Recently, as the editorial staff was lounging around launching spitballs at the ceiling, someone decided to open a bottle of Unicum. Feeling adventurous, everyone poured a little of this so-called "liquor" into a glass and we all tossed back in unison. Immediately, some tossed it right back out. That was one short foray into the world of reckless adventure.

No one really knows exactly what's in Unicum. The company says the recipe is secret, and that it contains 40 herbs and spices. That's a lot more herbs & spices than those found in Colonel Sanders' secret recipe for the Kentucky fried chicken. Maybe that's Unicum's problem, overkill. A little heavy on the hemlock, perhaps. Which might explain why more people prefer KFC.

After having cleansed our palates with some good pálinka, the staff went to work, and in what is surely a feat of investigative journalism, found what exactly is in Unicum. So, without further ado, we present to you the official list of Unicum ingredients:

Gentian
Hops
Molasses
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
Hemlock
Chalk
Ground up cicadas
Spider vomit
Cat urine
Shinola
Wormwood
Horse sperm
Vegemite
Grapefruit seed extract
Chicory
Dandelion
Milk thistle
Cow pats
Barley water
Varnish
Elmer's glue
Radicchio
Bitter almonds
Juju beans
Hornet grubs
Ginger
Formic acid
Dung
Clay
Mice
Pork Rinds
Monkey spit
Poke weed
Ink
Sea cucumber
Tequila worms
Eel intestines

Well, there you have it. You've got to get yourself some of this stuff. Tastes exactly like Keith Richards after a concert. Now you're probably nodding and wondering whether it might be this concoction and not the economy/culture that's to blame for Hungary's rampant alcoholism and high suicide rate.



Got death wish? Email the ENN counselors at eza_news@yahoo.com

Thriller, the evil of the

Hello? Is it too late to get out of this contract?

You know, I think Sandra Bullock is a crap actress, but she seems nice and she looks like she makes a decent effort, so I usually watch her movies -- then afterwards I ask myself why I give a damn whether she makes a living or not. Anyway, Premonition is such a bad movie it makes you appreciate the fine writing on the ABC stinker, Lost. And contrary to what the TV trailers say, most critics were less than thrilled about this flick. In fact, the vast majority hated it. Flames. On the side of their faces.

So how do these movies and TV shows get financed?? Do the writers sleep with the network execs? Do they have some serious dirt on them? I think what happens is that the execs know that people will fall for the hype and will go see the movie on the opening weekend, and afterwards, it's too late. The money's in the coffers and the execs giggle all the way to the bank. See, things would be different if class action suits against movie studios were more commonplace. If all of us who went to see this movie got together, sued for false advertising, and demanded our money back plus 1.3 million for emotional distress, these things might not happen so often.

Got killer thriller? Email the ghouls of ENN at eza_news at yahoo.com

Same, the song remains the

Larger, one pill makes you

The staff of ENN (We Live Large) normally likes to surf the TV channels late at night, and lately we've noticed a lot of advertising for "natural male enhancement." These ads are hilarious. During prime time they go totally nuts (ha ha) with the silly euphemisms, but after 10 pm (at about the same time that the "find singles in your area" type ads -- you know, the ones with the skanks -- usually appear) they drop most of the charade and only avoid the P word.

Well, well well, it seems size does matter, huh, gents? All those protestations that it is "how you use it" that's what's important are probably just a lot of hot air coming from the size-challenged. Viagra, it is my understanding, helps those with ED get some action, but since that's clearly not enough, a host of botanical concoctions have appeared on the market and claim to increase the size of the joystick. Apparently, according to this article, all those pills make larger is the size of the manufacturers' bank account.

Man and aphrodisiacs have a long history. If you would like to try some time-honored (and probably about as useless as what's Smilin' Bob peddles) ways of increasing your libido, or your fun, or your toolbox, try this site . And hey, maybe it will make your intelligence a little larger, and a lot of women find that really sexy.

Got male enhancement problems? Go ask Alice.

Underrated, napping is sadly

When we were kids, my parents had us take naps. We hated them. And now, when we want to take naps, we can't, because they're not officially accepted as A Good Thing (sorry, Martha, just borrowing). Why is that? This article says that "evidence is mounting" that sleeping, even napping, is excellent. Notice also how this article actually supports sleeping a little late in the mornings, something many of us who get up at the crack of dawn and scramble downstairs to get a croissant and lawsuit-worthy hot coffee would really appreciate.

Thanks to power-napper Leslie for leading us to this article about the new Japanese napping craze. ENN (Bringing You the Latest in Snoozing News), would like this new fad to cross over to the US already. I printed the article and gave it to one of my professors, who replied with a snarky "Ha!" and a look in his eyes like Ben from Lost reserves for idiots like Jack. Or Kate. Or Sawyer. Don't come to me when Japan rules the US, dude.

Got Zs? Email the sleepy staff of EZA News at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Away, we haven't gone

Contrary to popular belief, this blog is not dead -- it's just dormant. On hiatus. On vacation. Like a bad penny, we'll turn up again. Like crabs, we're hard to get rid of. Not that anyone at EZA News (Penicillin is Our Friend) would know anything about that topic.

Got VD? Don't email us. We don't wanna know.