Hitler groupie werwolfSSlovakia's been off the news for a few days, on the run from the many people who are after his furry ass, and can possibly be found cowering inside a safehouse for pyromaniac lycanthropes. He'll come out though when fleas and distemper get the best of him. As a public service, ENN (We Got Silver Bullets and Know How to Use Them) would like to share with the readership the most important characteristics of werewolves, so people won't be wasting silver bullets on wereducks, weresquirrels, werepossums, weremice, and other werecritters. According to current scientific data, a werewolf:
- Has red hair
- Has eyebrows that join in the middle
- Orders his steak extra rare (preferably still on the hoof) at restaurants
- Has hair on the palm of his hands from endless masturbatory sessions in front of the werecomputer
- Will change back to human form when a piece of iron or steel is thrown over his head
- Will scream loudly and fall into a deathlike trance if whacked repeatedly over the head with said piece of iron or steel
- Will soon require burial if hit by silver bullets
(Do not go by the last two points alone, as many people who are not werewolves have been known to react in a similar fashion).
Many people are out there trying to catch this beast. Some of them are quite angry and have issued grand, melodramatic threats, such as this one from 24-year-old fuzoltan:
100% MAGYAR!!!
the vengeance of ATTILA will soon distress you!!! prepare you coward horde! GYŐZNI FOGUNK, KI-TAR-TÁÁÁS !!!
ENN (Our Vengeance Will Shock and Awe, and Perhaps Even Alarm You!) has at least two Attilas on staff, but both deny they are the ones whose vengeance will descend like a giant gold coffin inside a silver coffin inside a lead coffin on werwolfSSlovakia's tick-infested self. They would like fuzoltan's words printed on t-shirts, though. EZA is 75% magyar and admires the feeling behind fuzoltan's words, and might consider recruiting him for her own hordes (who are in no way cowardly, but a little laid back and easily distracted by computer games). EZA can't come up with a suitably melodramatic threat to hurl at Wolfie, so she will instead hurl a suitable quote from Shakespeare:
Blood and destruction shall be so in use
And dreadful objects so familiar
That mothers shall but smile when they behold
Their infants quarter'd with the hands of war;
All pity choked with custom of fell deeds:
And Caesar's spirit, ranging for revenge,
With Ate by his side come hot from hell,
Shall in these confines with a monarch's voice
Cry 'Havoc,' and let slip the dogs of war;
That this foul deed shall smell above the earth
With carrion men, groaning for burial.
All your base are belong to us, Wer-dawg! ENN is heart of universe!
Got a gripe? Send us your hate mail and all those really trite, yet colorful ethnic slurs to eza_news at yahoo.com
