Goose, what's sauce for the

Readers may have seen that oft-forwarded image of Disney's 7 Dwarfs/Dwarves titled "The Seven Dwarves of Menopause." At ENN (It's Off to Work We Go) we believe strongly in equality. So, in the spirit of parity of esteem, we present to you the "Seven Dwarves of Manhood," a graphic created by the men and women of ENN (We Rock) and The Great Hungarian Conspiracy (Paprika Rocks).



Got comment? Email the elven nation reps at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Mssgs, sndng txt

Try the voice feature, it's awesome

By now pretty much everyone in the US has a cell phone with text capabilities. These are small phones, and getting smaller with each passing model. Soon they're going to be half the size of Zoolander's phone and will easily fall into a pore and float aimlessly around the circulatory system, ringing out in loneliness. Anyway, these phones have a screen, and people send text messages to one another. So here's what I don't get: why send a text message, which is really cumbersome given the size of the buttons, when you have a phone in your hands? Why not just call the other person? And while we're at it: must you be in touch with everyone in your circle all the damn time? It's gotten to the point where almost everyone at school is walking and chatting on the phone. I'm starting to feel like Wesley Crusher in The Game. Clearly there's something wrong when I actually know the title of a Star Trek episode.

Got comment? Email eza_news @ yahoo.com using the text option on your computer keyboard.

Veritas, in vino

Nature's Rite Aid

Time and time again scientists find that red wine is actually good for you (duh). Just recently, researchers at Harvard Medical School and the National Institutes on Aging reported that a substance found in red wine, resveratrol, appears to offset some of the negative effects of a high-fat diet. The mice in the study were fed high fat diets and also given resveratrol. They gained weight, but their livers were normal, and so were their glucose and insuline levels. It is a little early to rush Burger King, though. Remember that about a decade ago, medical researchers were going gaga over the hormone leptin, which caused mice to lose a whole bunch of weight in a very short time. It had no effect on humans at all.

Still, there's the French Paradox (the French eat fatty foods but don't suffer from a lot of the consequences), which might be related to resveratrol. So there may be something in all of this. A tiny technicality, though: to get the same amount of resveratrol that turned the mice into happy, healthy fatties, a human being would need to drink between 1,500 and 3,000 bottles of wine a day. So, what are you waiting for? Time's a-wastin'!


Got Egri Bikavér? Email the ENN winos at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Attack, when vegetables

Giant killer tomatoes invade the countryside.

Vegetables tend to be benign, rarely if ever attacking people who handle or eat them. Even an uncooked vegetable will offer no resistance. Try that with a cow and you may get stomped to death. Instead of being openly aggressive, vegetables have evolved to adopt a subtle mode of attack that affords them some measure of revenge against their predators: team work. By pairing up with tiny bacteria, they can bring down dozens, sometimes hundreds, of potential enemies.



In Canada, carrot juice has forged an alliance with a renegade group of Clostridium botulinum. The latter, angry at the exploitation of its numbers by the cosmetic surgery industry, agreed to lie in ambush in perfectly innocent-looking bottles of carrot juice. The operation took down at least two unsuspecting members of the planet's dominant species. Not a huge number, but this is only the beginning.



Recently in the United States, contaminated spinach caused massive panic, and people are still frightened by the sight of greens in supermarkets. Even baby greens strike fear in the hearts of shoppers, something that has strengthened the resolve of the vegetable hordes.



The latest episode of this war of terror comes from tomatoes. And as most of you know, tomatoes are rabidly aggressive. In 2004, they formed an axis of evil with terrorist salmonella strains and infiltrated Sheetz. This led to at least 400 cases of infection in nine states. And now, they're baaaaaaaack! The latest guerilla attack is apparently over, but we know the war is not. And more vegetables may join the cause. Loyal reader and professional stair-surfer Leslie made ENN (Our Silos Overflow with Vegetables of Terror) aware of the fact that turnips may have a role in causing goiter. Our research team has found this to be true of kale and cabbage as well.


The moral of of all of this is: don't mess with the environment. When you're mean to Mama, Mama's mean to you. And she's much more powerful.

Got marinara? Email the paisans at ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Smash, it was a graveyard

Happy All Ghouls' Day
to my Carpathian-American friends!

Space, Hungarians in

To infinity and beyond!

It was a long time coming, but it's finally here: Hungarians are going to space. Charles Simonyi, the software dude, will be the next rich guy to go visit the international space station. Clearly not being one to hold a grudge over such silly little things as Stalinism, he's hitching a ride with two Russian cosmonauts who will be flying a Soyuz TMA10 to the station next year. And he may be bringing goodies prepared by domestic guru and former prison inmate Martha Stewart, who probably makes a mean borscht and is sure to also provide the finest vodka, crafted in her own estate by her very own slave staff. Way to go, Chuckie! As many of your countrypeople contemplate what could possibly be a very stark winter with no money to pay the heating bills, they will derive some warmth from the fact that you're using your fortune for the important things in life.

Got warp? Contact the space cadets of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Riots, random notes from the

• Bandannas are good -- You know, my friend Tyler is right. You can't ever have enough bandannas.
  
  
  
• Some cops are very rude -- Do they import these from New York?
  
  
  
• Some cops are very polite -- See? It actually CAN be done!
  
  
  
• Some people like to climb onto high places and then startle innocent bystanders by just dropping into the conversation. WTF? Yell "fore" or "incoming" or whatever. Yeah, you know who you are.
  
  
  
• If the forecast predicts water cannon, showering is pointless.
  
  
  
• Some people seem to love handing out flags.
  
  
  
• The four flags we got (see above) can be arranged into several different political statements.
  
  
  
• Some people like to use porta-potties as barricades. Some of us who really need to go to the bathroom deeply decry that behavior.
  
  
  
• Some people don't seem to remember that old adage: "curiosity got the cat kicked and handcuffed."
  
  
  
• Manyleventydred people in the streets, a lot of them with cell phones and cameras. Clearly part of one of those Disaster & Civil Unrest Travel Agencies, Inc. tours.
  
  
  
• Overheard: "This is way better than the floods." I'm not making this up.
  
  
  
• What's with all the Chinese?
  
  
  
• Some people have an amazing ability to be flirty in the weirdest of circumstances.
  
  
  
• The small world effect is real. Turns out ABC's "Lost" may not be so far-fetched after all (in that area...let's not push it).
  
  
  
• Thanks to whoever decided to print "rendőrség/police" on the cops' jackets. Otherwise it would be very easy to mistake them for a large group of men wearing matching riot gear, who like to control crowds and arrest people. Those who speak neither English nor Hungarian may still be wondering who all those baton-wielding guys were and what was up with the sirens and the rubber bullets.
  
  
  
• Who leaves gas in a exhibition tank's tank? And don't these things have locks or something?
  
  
  

Got anarchy? Contact the rabble-rousing staff of ENN @ eza_news @ yahoo.com

Past, remembering the

Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness…. When experience is not retained, as among savages, infancy is perpetual. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it…. This is the condition of children and barbarians, in whom instinct has learned nothing from experience. ~ George Santayana, The Life of Reason, vol. 1, chapter 12, p. 284 (1905).

Got memory? Email the traveling ENN staff (in Budapest for a short time) at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Tapes, enough with the

zMonikagate: New Tape Reveals Magyar Government are Boneheads.

This past Sunday, the state radio broadcast a tape of a closed (as in not public) government meeting in which Cabinet minister Monika Lamperth apparently reassured her colleagues that even though the opposition party had swept the elections, the government party would still get to control the money. "Believe me, we know what we have to do," Lamperth said. "It will be a modification which crosses out the assertion in newspaper headlines that from now on we will be in trouble because Fidesz will be distributing the money." [Insert ominous music here. ]

The plot sickens. How many of these leaked tapes of secret meetings are there, people? It's getting a little silly. ENN (Knowing What to Do Since 2006) would like to suggest some moderately priced security equipment that might go a long way to ensure that the liars and cheats in government can continue lying and cheating with impunity. We'd also like to suggest wrist checks and swift execution of anyone found wearing this watch.

We would also like to ask those who are taping all this stuff to start releasing the sex tapes. Come on, you know there must be at least one. Stop teasing and give up the goods, dudes.

Got intrigue? Email the scoundrelly staff of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Party, the life of the

Coming soon to a theater near you:

Lie Actually, starring Hugh Grant as Gyurcsány Ferenc.

In an astonishing new development in the scandal surrounding Gyurcsány Ferenc's latest audio release (Feri's Greatest Hit), media experts have revealed that they believe the "secret" recording may have not been so secret after all. In fact, they claim that it was probably recorded in a studio by a cable directly connected to Feri's microphone. In Feri's defense, ENN (Is This Thing On?) would like to point out that the PM may not have noticed his private speech to the elite was being piped into a top of the line, albeit secret recording studio at EMI, because at the time he was caught in wave after wave of "passionate speech" (cough, cough).

On an even more interesting note (G flat), it seems that before Magyar Rádió received the recording, a CD of the speech was offered for sale. Sadly, there were no takers, mainly because a capella works are not so popular as they once were, and also because the price tag was over €100,000, which is slightly higher than the usual price for this type of work. Free advice to Feri's manager: next time, make him rap the speech, and have him change his stage name to Big Daddy Gy.

Got tunes? Email the rappin' gangsta mofos at ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Scream, the primal

Help, help! I've been stolen!

As if ringtones weren't annoying enough (must you have the entire William Tell Overture on your cell phone?), now there is The Scream, a nasty, high-pitched wail you can have your phone emit if it's been stolen. ENN (We Got the Network), would like to thank cell-phone-carrying reader Leslie for bringing to our attention this new development in the world of communications. We believe this technology will impact the world of medicine as well, especially the fascinating (and rapidly growing) field of eardrum transplants.

For a small monthly fee of 18 USD**, you can have Synchronica remotely manage your phone. In case you notice your phone has been stolen, all you have to do is notify them, and they will turn on the blasted, unholy, ear-piercing blasphemy that they like to call the Synchronica Scream Feature. Eighteen dollars a month is not a huge price to pay for the satisfaction of knowing the abominable thief is lying somewhere in an alley, blood pouring from his ears. Revenge of the machine, dude. Can you hear me now, you filthy fother-mucker?

A very interesting fact that Synchronica reveals in their press release is that, whereas it takes people about 30 seconds to notice their cell phone is missing, it takes them one hour to notice their wallet or purse are gone. Hello? We can understand not noticing that a wallet has been taken by a clever, silk-fingered pickpocket, but a purse? Ladies, hang up and pay more attention. That pulling sensation you just felt on your shoulder is not a muscle spasm, but a signal that some dude just made off with your giant purse. But don't worry: the phone is all right, still safely tucked against your ear, busily working on that tumor in your parietal lobe. Thank goodness for small favors.

Coming soon: the Scream Feature Chip you can add to your car, pets, kids, and last but not least, spouse. Better stock up on earplugs.

**The basic service does not include the hairless blue woman.

Got ringtones? Don't bother emailing the staff at ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com. We're sick of'em.

Trouble, maybe he has prostate

Move me on to any black square

The staff of ENN (Taking a Straight and Stronger Course) doesn't really play much chess, but we're always up for a good chess scandal. One of our many pawns has sent in this site, which describes the sordid details of what shall henceforth be known as Toiletgate. The Bulgarian grandmaster, Veselin Topalov, complained that his rival, Vladimir Kramnik, goes to the john more often than any person in history, which may be evidence he is somehow cheating by using some kind of method Topalov didn't think of first. In any case, something definitely smells here. But not to worry; the authorities acted with alacrity: as a result of Mr. Kramnik's excessive use of the facilities, the players' private toilets have been closed, and the two will now share a privy. The world heaves a collective sigh of relief as the sanctity and honor of the game is restored, and the sound of flushing much diminished. We would like to suggest that in the future, the players be outfitted with catheters.

We hope that the best player wins and that he makes the white queen run so fast she hasn't got time to make him a wife. And to both we say: just remember that the goal is for us all to capture all we want. Oh, yeah, baby.

Gun, Gyula got a

Macska, ENN's chief of security

Anybody wanna run for office in Hungary? As luck would have it, a slot has recently become available in Somogy. Szabó Gyula had to withdraw his candidature on account of his having shot a man. Surprisingly, this appears to automatically disqualify him for office, even though the man was already dead, at least according to the headline. The now dead-for-sure guy had allegedly been blackmailing Szabó, and is therefore referred to as "an entrepreur" in the article. Anyone interested in a career in the exciting world of Hungo politics has about 2.5 days to put together a campaign. Lying is optional, but it has proven to work in the past.

Got ammo? Email ENN's Guns'n'Gulyás Division at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Problems. experiencing technical

Maybe it's Blogger, maybe something else, but the system is quite messed up. It seems some people have been unable to load the site for days, others have posted comments but they have never shown up, and the list goes on. There's nothing I can do about this, much as I would like to. Blogger is free, and we get what we pay for.

World, lie heard 'round the

Because lying on audiotape lacks the face time necessary to make one's way in the modern world, it is important to continue the work on videotape. Further, it is even more advantageous to do it in front of a worldwide audience. Indubitably, Feri doesn't show the velvety, ophidian skill of a Peter Mandelson, but then again, Mandy lies in his native tongue. ENN (We Make It Happen Daily) admires Feri's efforts to carry on the charade in a foreign language. Sadly, we must rate this video an 8 (out of 10), due to the lack of "passionate speech."


Got cheek? Email the shameless staff of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Marbles, Slota lost his

We at ENN (We Are Hu) spent the past two weekends debating the politics of Central Europe*, so we haven't had time to update our readership on the zany events that tend to take place in that subsidiary of Comedy Central. Unconfirmed reports from underpaid informants tell us that Ján Slota may have finally fallen prey to delirium tremens, as he has allegedly called the Hungo PM "a wise politician." Clearly Ján needs to have a few cleansing drinks if he doesn't want to completely destroy the delicate balance of ethnic hatred between our two nations. We really can't allow these sort of shenanigans, so have one or twenty on the house, dude, and come back in with one of those trademark snarling invectives we've all come to expect.

On other news also involving Ján, the magyar far-right group Hatvannégy Vármegye Ifjúsági Mozgalom (that's magyar for: "We have a really long name") held a rally in front of the Slovakian embassy in Budapest in which about 250 people burned pictures of Slota and also of the guys who beat up the Hungo girl in Nytra. To make sure their point was not missed, they also stamped on and spit at said photos. The magyar police will not prosecute these voodoo practitioners, on the grounds that burning, spitting at, and stomping on photos of Slovak politicians does not constitute breaking the law. ENN (Lumpen Elements Always Opposite Spitting in Public) believes this stance might cause the statue of Petőfi in Pozsony to experience some more facial surgery, possibly at the hands of the Slovak cops.

These actions on both sides of the river, while a form of free speech, detract from more legitimate pursuits, such as drinking. This leads to a slump in alcohol sales, which not only hurts the economy, but has the potential to land the whole area into a serious state of lethal sobriety. So do your patriotic duty, whichever side of the Duna you find yourself in, and head for the nearest bar. And no spitting in the drinks. That's just unholy.


*sleeping late, drinking, and carousing like a certain minority

Got kerítésszaggató? Email the thirsty staff of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Mat, stare at the

Someone who really needs to quit drinking and find gainful employment left a couple of fascinating * comments in response to an earlier post.


Ján Slota, Prává Slovenská Národná Strana said...

We hate the Magyars because of their subtle territorial designs on Slovakia and other neighbouring countries. They want Transylvania and shit will hit fan in Vojvodina as well. Vojvodina is the next Kosovo. If they come to blows, we will be there to fight with our Slavic brothers! I would like to get into a tank and flatten central Budapest. Watch out Hungarian monkeys!

Mad'ar hajzely! Pojeb si staru mat'! Die Magyar scum!

[From the editorial board: For those who may not be aware of international politics: Ján Slota -- the "before" half of an AA poster; Prává Slovenská Národná Strana --Real Schlurry Nashonal Party]

And now a few comments of our own:

We hate the Magyars because of their subtle territorial designs on Slovakia and other neighbouring countries.

Oh, so it's not the annoying ringtones, then? Excellent. And sorry about the subtlety. We're working day and night to remedy that.

They want Transylvania

Well, it's part of a list, really. We have subtle designs for many other places as well. Mostly beachy places with good surfing.

and shit will hit fan in Vojvodina as well.

How will they notice?

Vojvodina is the next Kosovo.

I hear Nigeria is the next Vojvodina. And Monaco is the next Nigeria. It is all messed up, dude.

If they come to blows, we will be there to fight with our Slavic brothers!

Is there a particular reason for this fight, or do you find those Slavs as annoying as everyone else does?

I would like to get into a tank and flatten central Budapest.

Dude, why waste money on a tank? Just stagger to the middle of Pozsony, face south and exhale.

Watch out Hungarian monkeys!

That's very kind of you to have so much concern for the monkeys. But it's the people you have to worry about, dude.

Mad'ar hajzely! Pojeb si staru mat'! Die Magyar scum!

Make up your mind, dawg.


Got bilingual dictionaries? Contact the Linguistics Division of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com






*[as in pointless]

Now, look who we got our Hanes on

You didn't see much of this in '56, I'm told.

ENN (We Have Subtle Designs for You!) conducted a poll this morning. After giving people a brief background on the situation, we showed the photo and asked people to comment on it. Here's a sample of the responses:

• Theatre on the Square presents: Jesus Christ Superstar, now playing in Budapest.
• Come together, right now, over me.
• My fellow citizens! Can you guess my religion?
• Boy, talk about glasnost.
• These shorts don't lie, dudes.
• First row, second from the right: looking intently at the package.
• What exactly was this demonstration about??
• Excuse me! Where's the gay rights demonstration?
• Is that the Gyurcsány package?
• Ne gatyázz!
• The dude is demonstrating the new austerity measures: no more clothes for anyone.
• I have wondered for YEARS whether Hungarians wear boxers or briefs.
• I can't tell if he's right wing or left wing...
• And because of the new security rules, this is the only way they'll let you board a plane
• I got yer package right here, Gyurcsány!
• I'm telling you, dude, it was THIS big!
• OK, which one of you assholes took my pants?
• What? This isn't the swimming trials?
• Oh, man, I've had nightmares like this.
• I think the women should protest in a similar way.

Got package? Email the lady editors of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Nothing, Thaksin for

The staff of ENN (Morally Alive and Well, Thank You) decided to cut school today and hang around our headquarters and surf the news in our jim jams, surrounded by edibles and drinkables, because, well, we need our strength in these trying times, m'k? Judging by the news reports we watched most of the day, a bunch of stuff happens all the time in the United States, and either there is no world outside, or it's very boring and nothing remarkable happens there. Thankfully the Net proved this theory wrong, and we visited many sites to learn about what sorts of things other people had been up to today. Turns out it was a pretty hopping day indeed.

Anyway, come late afternoon the Attilas formed an axis of evil with Ferengie Steve and together they took the remote hostage and forced it to tune into ESPN. The rest of the staff of ENN (Always Opposite ESPN) managed, through brilliant military strategy worthy of our warrior blood, to rescue the remote and use it to tune into the BBC World News report, the only TV news program we could find that acknowledged the existence of Other Countries With Newsworthy Things Happening in Them.

Of all the news reports we watched during the day, this was the only one that actually had footage of the giant block party that took place in one of the world's cities that amazingly enough exist outside of the USA. It was a pretty awesome party, with bofires, water games, and people engaging in some major (de)construction work as they sang songs that called for the resignation of some guy who's been doing a very accurate impression of a Turkish rug for a long time.

And then we did a double take as the news presenter began reporting the when-we-say-resign-we-mean-it coup in Thailand. For a moment there we thought maybe we'd had way too much of the fruity wine and the plum juice and were seeing double. So we had a few more drinks to clear our heads and realized that, yep, the Thai military had actually taken over and kicked PM Thaksin Shinawatra out of office. We're still investigating whether he had done any amount of lying or if any tapes were involved.

What's somewhat surreal is some of the parallels between the situation in Thailand and that of the country where the water cannon Olympic trials had been taking place overnight. The similarities are not quite as impressive as those sheets that list the similarities between Kennedy and Lincoln, but they're still interesting. Check it out:

• Discontent among the masses had increased steadily in the past few months, and protestors were demanding that their PM resign, charging that he had undermined democracy.
  
  
• The military coup comes just weeks before an election. [The previous election -- in April!! -- has been declared invalid, something which the people of a certain country might want to consider doing].
  
  
• The currency traded down sharply as a result of the political unrest.
  
  
• The two cities where most of the stuff happened have names beginning with B.
  
  

Interestingly, and according to what we saw on the BBC World News, the coup took place quite peacefully -- there were a whole bunch of tanks circling the PM's offices, and many armed soldiers hanging around joking with the locals ("Two Prime Ministers walk into a bar..."). There was not a single car on fire, though irritatingly enough most restaurants had closed early, a very serious situation which might lead to severe riots organized by tourists craving some Thai pad. In the event that lawlessness should descend upon Bangkok, riot police have been deployed and ordered to spray rioters with peanut sauce. The hot kind.

So, the moral of the story appears to be that if you really want something done, you ought to look to Asia for inspiration. And if you crave some Thai pad, you better pack your own noodles.

Got civic discontent? Email the Adopt-a-PM Division of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Hand, talk to the

What do you give the exotic dancer who has everything? Why, a hand in a jar, of course. Diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but a preserved human hand says "I'm a real psycho." The custom of giving body parts to women was arguably begun by painter Vincent van Gogh, who while in Arles in 1888 cut off a portion of his ear and gave it to a prostitute. History does not tell us whether Vince's girlfriend also had a collection of human skulls in her apartment, like Linda Kay. Clearly the good doctor's dancing queen feels that collecting dolls and having a couple of cats as pets is just too bourgeois. You can't really stick a candle to a cat when you want to create a spooky atmosphere, after all, because you'll end up with a very pissed off cat and possibly septicemia. And trying to use a cat as a novelty ashtray is a fire hazard. Besides, having skulls and preserved body parts comes in very handy for Halloween parties, especially if your guests are serial killers or members of the Addams family.

Christmas is around the corner, and if you want to save scads of money while avoiding crowds and irritating muzak, we suggest boning up (har har) on the grave robbing tradition. It is high time to revive this time-honored activity, and you don't even need to be a medical student to do so. All you need is a buddy, a pair of shovels, and a deep love of serious recycling. And just imagine the look on your beloved's face when you present her with a pelvis, which she can use as a handy dish to dispense sweets to the trick-or-treaters.

Got dem dry bones? Contact the Forensics Division of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

1000, worth

We interrupt our scheduled programming to bring you a few of those things that are worth 1000 words. Budapest, circa 2006.











And an oldie:

Fire, pants on

Oh, crap, they're on to me

You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
~Eagles

There's a whole lotta shakin' going on in ye olde country. Politician Caught Lying: Shock, Probe, Film at 11. Truthful-to-the-bone reader AJ alerted ENN (Pulling Ourselves Outta the Shit Daily) about a developing story concerning the stunning revelation that the Hungarian PM ("I am not a crook!") and his government have lied with abandon from the second they were elected, and perhaps even from birth. The staff of ENN (Would We Lie to You?) have a hard time digesting this painful revelation (and the fact we've been stuffing ourselves with awesome homemade food all weekend has nothing to do with this. Nothing, I tell you!), and we feel we have lost our innocence today. Politicians lie? Like, a lot? Say it ain't so, Feri baby! We're so shocked we could crawl into the fetal position and hug our teddy bears.

To prevent the total shutdown of our brains due to this painful disillusionment, we did a little research and found that lying must've been around for a long time, given the impressive number of quotes that deal with this art. People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election, said Otto von Bismarck, who was clearly a precog. And German philosopher Hannah Arendt had this to contribute: The trouble with lying and deceiving is that their efficiency depends entirely upon a clear notion of the truth that the liar and deceiver wishes to hide. See, we disagree with Hannah here. We think the real trouble with lying and deceiving is that their efficiency is shot to hell when the media gets a hold of tapes where people admit to lying.

This situation is sure to make the citizens of Hungary even angrier than they have been for a while. People had already been calling for the PM's resignation, and some dudes who do business in Pesterzsébet on Wednesdays have already indicated they've had enough of Pinocchio and his pals, and have said very clearly (and coincidentally, also on tape) that if the current bunch of lying liars doesn't step down (so the next bunch of lying liars can have a go at the country, because, hey, Hungary hasn't suffered enough, right?) they will set fire to Budapest. You know, perhaps this is not the best time to build that 8th bridge.

Got deception? Email the mendacious staff of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Religion, losing my

We totally don't get it.

The Hoos are in hot water again, and again over the comics section of The Cavalier Daily. In response to the cartoon featured above, the editor caught quite a lot of flak from the Catholic community, who thought the offering was not so much artistic as offensive and wanted the paper to publish an apology, which they will do when Hell freezes over, pigs fly, or Britney Spears becomes president of Mensa, whichever happens first.

The staff of ENN (We Love Pi) can't figure out what this cartoon is supposed to satirize. Math? Christianity? Jesus? The Crucifixion? We have spent countless hours thinking about this. OK, 15 minutes in between classes, but we think hard in a short time. It's called efficiency, dawgs. Alas, we haven't figured this out yet, mainly because our brains are fried from trying to understand the subtleties of I Love Budapest. Or it might be because we in the Northeast just don't get southern humor, y'all. Even so, we raise a shot of plum juice to the Cavalier Daily's editor for defending the First Amendment.

Some random people whose authority on these matters is highly questionable have suggested that the joke might be that someone is sure to complain simply because of the fact that a religious icon is depicted. "Hey, dude, check this out! I drew a Jesus, right, and he's on a cross, right, but it's not really a cross, ok, but a cartesian plane! But hey, dude, here's the thing: the Christians are gonna hate this, dude, and they're gonna be bitching about it! Isn't that, like, totally cool and hilarious?"

Whatever. What's important is we all got the right to print stuff, m'k? Don't like it? Move to Slovakia. To quote the immortal Cartman: screw you guys, I'm going home.

Got religion? Email the pious staff of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Minds, changing our

The staff at ENN (We are Borg) reserves the right to change its collective mind whenever it sees fit. So after watching I Love Budapest again (don't ask), and in light of recent events and stuff (nope, we're not telling) we've decided to retract the comment we made in item 1 of our previous review of this film. We still totally don't get the flying car thing and we think the whole opening scene is a little dorky, but we have seen the light about other stuff. Stay tuned for updated reviews if our ability to appreciate artsy stuff ever improves. In the meantime, don't say we never retracted anything.

Got arsty movies? Email the Indie Division of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Testes, that explains the tiny

I resent the implication I take steroids, officer!

Those? Why, they're water pills.

According to AP (Way Inferior to ENN), Hungarian border guards on Thursday detained two Slovaks (a man and a woman) smuggling 16,000 tablets of steroids into Upper Hungary (which the Slovaks refer to as "Slovakia"). According to the same release, "the two people drew attention to themselves because of their confused behavior." On the off chance that these people might be related to Jan "Da Boozer" Slota, who displays confused behavior in between bouts of snarling bigotry, the border guards decided to play it safe and employ the services of a drug-sniffing dog.

ENN (We're Here to Pump You Up) has discovered that, contrary to the rumor that the goods were located in the smugglers' backsides, along with a couple of cell phones and a loaded .38, they were in fact hidden between the back seat and the gas tank of the car, at least according to border guard spokeswoman Katalin Pokorny Ilauiszki. The dog confirms these findings.

Got contraband? Email the musclebound staff of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Now?, can you hear me

Small enough to fit anywhere!

The staff at ENN (We Know You're Dialing Right Now) is no stranger to cell phones. In fact, when we're not boozing or making fun of loser bigots (hey, WerwolfSSlovakia! We'll pay you a bazillion forint, roughly the equivalent to USD22.50, if you set yourself on fire) we can be found texting one another about boozing or bigots, and sometimes about boozer bigots (how's things in Upper Hungary, Jan? We offer the same deal as for Wolfie). But even when we've indulged in ye olde plum juice, we would never consider inserting cell phones into our nether regions, like these Salvadoran gangbangers, who not only kept their mobiles where the sun don't shine, but also found room for accessories in there (chargers, chips...possibly a PDA or 2, and an iPod). This has got to be more fun than hamsters, who normally can't be set to vibrate.

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, a "scientist" who probably watches X Files reruns too much, has convinced Trinity College to fund a study about phone telepathy. ENN (We Have the Biggest Crystal Balls in the World) thinks this is a very good use of grant money that would otherwise be wasted on cancer or AIDS studies. In fact, we are at this very moment designing a study to determine whether any kind of phone telepathy exists between Salvadoran prisoners who keep cell phones up their asses. Can they tell when they're about to ring? "I feel a call coming. No, wait, I think it's last night's chili."

Got ESP? Email the X-Files Division of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Terminology, regarding

The word "atrocity" is overused on the news, especially news reported by European agencies. Many articles refer to the attacks on Hungarians and Hungarian symbols by Slovaks as "atrocities." I'm in no way attempting to minimize the impact of these attacks, nor their historical, political, cultural, symbolic, or personal significance, but calling them atrocities is a little over the top. The Beslan hostage crisis was an atrocity. The Srebrenica Massacre was an atrocity. The Holocaust was an atrocity. The acts by ignorant Slovak losers who have nothing better to do with their empty and pathetic lives than to deface national symbols or beat up women range from hooliganism and vandalism to hate crimes. Ugly as these acts are, they are not atrocities. Let's not lose perspective.

Got words? Email the ENN literati at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Slovakia, promoting sex tourism in

Hungarian football fans provide free tourism advertising for Slovakia

Slovakia is beautifully! Hungarian football fans know it and wish to make the world aware of it. Go to Slovakia! Fuck a Slovak! Hell, fuck the whole region! This photo and others have made headlines around the civilized world, as well as in Slovakia, where apparently those wonderfully randy Slovaks totally misunderstood the friendly intent on the part of the Hungarians. The problem is that English, while it is becoming more common in Central Europe, remains quite esoteric for many in the region. This is why the Slovaks didn't get that the football fans were only trying to promote the northern region of Hungary (aka Slovakia) and its loving nature. The staff of ENN (Reporting the News from Waaaaaaay on the Other Side of the Danube) feels it is our duty to clarify things, lest more attacks on mobile phone customers take place.

So, without further ado, let us translate:

Fuck Slovakia -- "Slovakia is a sexy place with more action than Bangkok! Wanna Bangkok? Go to Slovakia!"

Jan Slota Must Die -- "Jan Slota drinks too much, and this will no doubt lead to cirrhosis of the liver, which in many cases leads to death. Jan, darling, we care! Stop drinking! Fuck Slovaks instead!"

Slovaks, you will always remain our slaves -- "Embrace BDSM!"

The situation is clearly escalating. Slovak Police President Jan Packa illuminated the issue by offering his insight, clearly born of years of experience in the mean streets: "Some acts are beginning to create nationalist problems," he said. ENN (Lumpen Elements Creating Nationalist Problems Daily), owes Mr. Packa a debt of gratitude for pointing this out. We wouldn't have noticed a thing had he not mentioned this. I'll have "Stating the Bloody Obvious" for $1000, Alex.

On The Other Side of the Danube (TM), the Hungarian PM decided he was done being Mr. Nice and demanded in his strongest language yet that Bobby Fico use some strong language of his own to chastise his naughty people ("Now hear this: Stop bothering the neighbors, you hear? I mean it"). He went even further and summoned the Slovak ambassador to Budapest for a good spanking. He officially demanded “that the politics of silence come to an end.” Rumors that Fico & and his Brat (islava) Pack responded by dropping their pants and mooning towards the south are still unconfirmed. Really, Feri. Bullies don't understand words. Try another approach. Like dropping Mr. Softee machines on their heads. That'll get their attention. The People's Republic of EZA is standing by with silos full of Root Vegetables of Mass Destruction, all ready to be shot over the river at the silly little Slovaks. All you gotta do is ask.

Got nationalist unrest? Email the magyarly studs of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com

Alone, teacher leave them kids

School supplies

School's back in session and the staff at ENN (We Don't Need no Education) must prepare for it - booze and condoms don't buy themselves, m'k?

We will be working on new posts this weekend, after a night of heavy drinking and sex -- so do not despair. And keep those hate emails coming, Slovaks! Woohoo!! You guys are hilarious.



Got whine? Email the staff at eza_news at yahoo.com

Y, ours is not to wonder

Your millennia are numbered, Y. Muahahahahahah.

In his book "Adam's Curse," geneticist Bryan Sikes writes that the Y chromosome is dying out, and in 125,000 years there may be no more men. I conducted informal interviews of classmates, friends, and others, asking them what they thought of this stunning revelation by the author of "The Seven Daughters of Eve," and received a mixed bag of responses that may or may not be in any way significant to human society. Here's a representative sample:

-What? And who's going to not ask for directions then?
-Big deal. Tell me the bastards will all die off next week and I might actually cheer.
- Oh well. All good things must come to an end, I guess.
-WHAT?? You're telling me all the women on Earth will be making out with one another and there will be no men to watch them? That's just so unfair.
- Not soon enough. Does he mention if there's a way we can help the process along?
-Since my kind is going to become extinct, I might as well enjoy myself while I can. I'm skipping class and going to get drunk and pick up skanks. See ya.
-Whatever.
-That's just too long to wait. I'm sure there's something we can put in the water that'll kill the little shits in a week. A month, tops. I'm changing my major and going into chem.
--[observes a group of jock types performing idiotic stunts to catch the girls' attention] Well, their brain cells died eons ago, so I guess this was to be expected.
-OK, then. Let's enjoy them while we can.
-Oh, I'm so sad. I'm so going to miss all the wars and the crime. Whatever shall I do? [laughs and walks away]
-Hey, I won't be around, so I honestly don't care. I'm still here, and that's all I care about. You seeing someone, by the way?
-First, Pluto is not a planet. Now, men will die out. Jesus, what next? It's a depressing century to live in, I tell you.


Got a cock and bull story? Email eza_news at yahoo.com.

Clock, party around the

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

Like other parties of the kind, it was first silent, then talky, then argumentative, then disputatious, then unintelligible, then altogether, then inarticulate, and then drunk. When we had reached the last step of this glorious ladder, it was difficult to get down again without stumbling. ~George Gordon Byron

I thought this quote really describes some of the parties we throw at our house. You know, the kind where, like, every relative we can get a hold of is invited, and they all show up, with spouses, kids, sometimes with dogs, sometimes with neighbors and people they must pick up by the side of the road because they look like they're in dire need of a damn good party.

It was a holiday on Sunday. OK, it was a holiday in Hungary, and we live in the US (our sincere apologies to Vörösmarty Mihály). But hey, we may not actually live in Hungary, but we're still Hungarian, some of us more than others. So we throw a party. Because we can.

The whole celebratory thing started in the morning, with a huge breakfast for those clever people who had arrived early in the morning, knowing my mom would have cooked enough food to feed Eurasia. There were about a dozen people for breakfast, and we ate a lot, and talked a lot, many times simultaneously. Can you say cacophony? People were sharing gossip, telling jokes, arguing about politics, and even Chuck Norris got a mention. It was fun. After breakfast, while some of us unfortunates were drafted for dishwashing duty, other people went outside and continued the whole thing, because a party must not be interrupted. Ever.

Lunch arrived, and more food was had by all. More people had arrived in the meantime, and my dad was having a lot of fun being the gracious host. There were kids running all over the place, and you know this means Turtle must be sequestered somewhere so the kids won't get rowdy with the poor thing. After lunch people in general beached themselves around the back yard and gabbed and gabbed. After doing slave duty in the kitchen, I joined my friends and we had our own little party with music and drinks. My dad was in a very good mood and actually said we could have some of his wine. I made sure he repeated this in front of witnesses, and then helped myself to some bottles.

The party got rowdier and louder as more people arrived for the main event, dinner. More food was brought in and was joyfully eaten. In between all the eating there were games, music, dancing, more games, more joking, more mentions of Chuck Norris and other notables. The merriment went on till the wee hours. Me and my friends adjoured to the den to watch The 4400, and then we played some games as we stuffed our faces with dessert. It was shameful, really. Jenny Craig must be frowning somewhere.

And we get to do it again next year! Yep, we're unrepentant. Oink.

Got palacsinta? Love chocolate sauce? Email eza-news at yahoo.com

History, here's to

Happy birthday, Hungary!

Us, all your base are belong to

werwolfSSlovakia and Alex taunt the media

Hitler groupie werwolfSSlovakia's been off the news for a few days, on the run from the many people who are after his furry ass, and can possibly be found cowering inside a safehouse for pyromaniac lycanthropes. He'll come out though when fleas and distemper get the best of him. As a public service, ENN (We Got Silver Bullets and Know How to Use Them) would like to share with the readership the most important characteristics of werewolves, so people won't be wasting silver bullets on wereducks, weresquirrels, werepossums, weremice, and other werecritters. According to current scientific data, a werewolf:

• Has red hair
  
  
• Has eyebrows that join in the middle
  
  
• Orders his steak extra rare (preferably still on the hoof) at restaurants
  
  
• Has hair on the palm of his hands from endless masturbatory sessions in front of the werecomputer
  
  
• Will change back to human form when a piece of iron or steel is thrown over his head
  
  
• Will scream loudly and fall into a deathlike trance if whacked repeatedly over the head with said piece of iron or steel
  
  
• Will soon require burial if hit by silver bullets
  

(Do not go by the last two points alone, as many people who are not werewolves have been known to react in a similar fashion).

Many people are out there trying to catch this beast. Some of them are quite angry and have issued grand, melodramatic threats, such as this one from 24-year-old fuzoltan:

100% MAGYAR!!!
the vengeance of ATTILA will soon distress you!!! prepare you coward horde! GYŐZNI FOGUNK, KI-TAR-TÁÁÁS !!!

ENN (Our Vengeance Will Shock and Awe, and Perhaps Even Alarm You!) has at least two Attilas on staff, but both deny they are the ones whose vengeance will descend like a giant gold coffin inside a silver coffin inside a lead coffin on werwolfSSlovakia's tick-infested self. They would like fuzoltan's words printed on t-shirts, though. EZA is 75% magyar and admires the feeling behind fuzoltan's words, and might consider recruiting him for her own hordes (who are in no way cowardly, but a little laid back and easily distracted by computer games). EZA can't come up with a suitably melodramatic threat to hurl at Wolfie, so she will instead hurl a suitable quote from Shakespeare:

Blood and destruction shall be so in use
And dreadful objects so familiar
That mothers shall but smile when they behold
Their infants quarter'd with the hands of war;
All pity choked with custom of fell deeds:
And Caesar's spirit, ranging for revenge,
With Ate by his side come hot from hell,
Shall in these confines with a monarch's voice
Cry 'Havoc,' and let slip the dogs of war;
That this foul deed shall smell above the earth
With carrion men, groaning for burial.

All your base are belong to us, Wer-dawg! ENN is heart of universe!

Got a gripe? Send us your hate mail and all those really trite, yet colorful ethnic slurs to eza_news at yahoo.com

Spoke, English as she is

Smart-as-a-rutabaga werwolfSSlovakia (always opposite grammar!) isn't the only guy in the world to have some problems with English (which may be the reason he burns flags, aside from the fact he's a complete and utter idiot) . Here's a sample of signs in English seen around the world and compiled by an anonymous ENN (We talk good!) informer:

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

In a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."

In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

In a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today -- no ice cream"

In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

In a barbershop in Zanzibar: "Gentlemen's throats cut with nice sharp razors."

In a barber shop in Tokyo: "All customers promptly excecuted."

In the window of a travel agency in Barcelona: "Go away."


Meanwhile, in the good old U.S. of A. we have our problems as well, and this should discourage anyone from trying to learn this wicked tongue:


In a Maine restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center."

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In a laundry room: "Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage."

A sign on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: "Do not activate with wet hands."

In a New Hampshire jewelry store: "Ears pierced while you wait."

In a New York restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."

At a number of US military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

On a Tennessee highway: "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."

Hungary, we never not to be

WerwolfSSlovakia and friend come to a stunning realization.

An attentive Slovak reader and Hungarian sympathizer who wishes to remain anonymous sent ENN (ENN is heart of world! Always opposite CNN!) the subtitles for werwolfSSlovakia's "morons with matches" video. Ya know, Wolfie, English Grammar for Dumbass Skinheads would be a good investment for you.

Welkome in Slovakia
(Slovakia) is beautifully
Slovakia is our
we never not to be Hungary
Slovakia is heart Europe!!!

WerwolfSSlovakia is idiotly.

Do you love/hate Hungary/Slovakia? Are you heart Europe? Email eza_news at yahoo.com and tell our magyarly-lovingly staff all about it.

Poetry, I totally flunked

Yeah, can't poem** my way out of a paperbag. But, for those of us who are poetically challenged, like yours truly,there is always the magic of poetry generators, for those times when you need a poem, like when you're wooing someone. I'm not sure if people woo at all these days, but maybe they should. Those who woo swear by poetry. And Hungarian gypsies. However, some of us [1] can't write poetry at all and [2] rarely carry a band of Hungarian gypsies around to play melancholy and yet ever-so-romantic music, and therefore, a poetry generator is a godsend.

I decided that as a public service, I would test some poetry generators and report on them, because Consumer Reports seldom tackles these things. I first tried this one, which is more along the lines of a poetry inspirator. You click "Create" and you get a line, for example:

In the chimney of antiquity the ferns shatter

or

In the halter of surrender the princes rock

I totally disregarded the admonition against repeatedly pressing "Create" and came up with a lot of "in the --- of ----- the ------" variations, all pretty nonsensical to me, but then I'm no poet.

Moving on to another generator. This one creates entire poems, which is good because unlike with the previous one, you don't have to think at all. Here's my magnum opus:

You dialed 5483. Delay
not, to
reach your brakes are supposed, by some,
cigarettes. You
find a light bulb. Chess
tonight
and stone of the counter,whispers,
and might stand for eighty years and might
stand for eighty years
and katydids are going
to reach your objective,
but only because your leisure.

I think it's pretty damn good -- weird and obscure, kinda like a Yoko Ono performance but without the shrieking, which I might add later as I develop my work.

But what if you're a Goth who can't write dark poetry no matter how many times you read whatever goths read to get into a dark, sorrowful, brutally suicidal and yet quite stylish, mood? How do you tell the world of your deep, shadowy and slightly blood tinted pain? You don't have to. Let the Goth-o-Matic poem generator express what your troubled soul can't. Let your inner Vampyr out, bare your fangs at the cruel world, and have something to read at the next gathering of the Undead. Check out my contribution to the ever deepening chasm of loneliness, despair, and angst that opens like a razor-toothed maw under the feet of the damned:

untitled

what have you wrought?
a miasma of betrayal as perceptions seep.
once we drank of innocence,glad-hearted and hand in hand,
but your thirst soured.
a vengeful morass of bitterness-
thoughts follow darkness, follow death,
love burnt to ashes.
in a torrent of righteousness,
i condemn you.

Man, that's so moving I need to have a goblet of absinthe right now.


**Vanessa verbified this noun, so if you are an agent of the Language Purity Bureau, go talk to her. I personally think it's cool. Yes, I'm aiding and abetting. 'Sides, she's a real poet, so she has a license, so take thee to the wretched place.

Season, it's 'werwolf'

Bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do
whatcha gonna do when they come for you

Seems the Slovak police didn't see any kind of artistic merit in werwolfSSlovakia's "Look ma, I'm a moron with a camera" video and according to this article are now investigating this young brain donor's flag burning activities and complete lack of musical talent. It's not longer Springtime for Hitler, dude. The article informs us that "the Slovak Government is categorically against all forms of racism, intolerance, xenophobia, aggressive nationalism and extremism." Clearly Old Man Slota and his band of bigots (sorry, extreme nationalists) didn't get the memo. Wolfie, make sure you keep a blog in prison. The staff at ENN (Lumpen Elements of Society Burning the Imperial Romulan Flag Daily) would love to know how you're placing in the daily cornholing tournaments.

Fekete, look who's calling the kettle

Satellite photo shows a magyar-slovak scuffle near the town of Rajka...Yeah, they do look like ants from up here.

Previously, on Them Apples:

Generic slovak: you came to slovakia one by one and soon you will try to get land???

And now, the continuation:

Pssst! Anon, werwolfSSlovakia and all of you silly little slovak boys and girls: you might want to STFU about magyars moving to your area of Hungary, getting land and blah blah blah blah, because you guys are doing the exact same thing. We've caught you, on camera. We have pictures taken by our ENN (Stomping Down Peace Wherever It Rears Its Ugly Antennae) satellite, which is currently in a parking orbit right above Greater Hungary (aka Europe). Don't think we're not on to you, babies. By moving to the nicer part of Hungary, you risk magyarization (gasp!! she used the M word!). You know, that thing Da Boozer is always foaming at the mouth about. We've perfected the process and now it is much subtler and involves rich and chocolatey desserts. But don't forget you will also be subjected to a virtual smorgasbord (yeah, like I know where the diacritics go on that...gimme a break) of suffixes and agglutination. Pretty soon you will be screaming: Czech, please!!!!

Enter at your own risk, dudes.

Posts, multilingual hate

People, people, people. You've been rather prolific in your little purloined region, haven't ya? Whereas ENN (Read in Five Countries, Four of them in Central Europe) scoffs heartily at the hate posts, we regret our network policies only allow the publication of replies in English. Hey, if werwolfSSlovakia made the effort of coming up with some grammatically challenged, silly, libelous ditty perpetuating the aspersions of Da Boozer, the least you can do is follow suit and share your prevaricating rants with the class in the blog's official language. Now take ye to an oubliette and remember: no one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Revolution, here comes the

An anonymous indivdual(is that you, Wolfie? Come on, don't be shy, post under your own name!) was kind enough to take the time to respond to the article by EZA News (Lumpen Elements of Society Covering Issues One by One) about werwolfSSlovakia's video (which ENN hasn't seen...if you would be so kind as to post it somewhere else and give us the link, we'd be happy to review it). Here is the response:

Anonymous said...

you should leave slovaks alone!!!!there are many which hates hungarianS!!!! so just leave them alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!you came to slovakia one by one and soon you will try to get land??? believe me they will NEVER give you land not even piece of it!!! and try to get it then you'll see ;)

Anonymous, I don't know about the rest of the great Magyar nation (but never fear, I'll email Ferenc first thing in the morning), but I personally have no intention of taking any Slovakian land at the moment, not even a little square inch of it. ENN will put you on the waiting list, though. How's July 15, 2009 work for ya? We can bump you up a little and put you ahead of Namibia.

Your response was very interesting and revealing though, and EZA is very happy you have decided to come forward and denounce this shadowy Magyar conspiracy and bring out into the open what is surely a most cunning plan: going into Slovakia one by one until there are enough Magyars there to take over may be pretty slow and cumbersome, but quite devilish, since surely no one would notice a Magyar or two here and there, and all of a sudden, wham, there's billions of us! Surprise! Perhaps due to the slow pace of this Hungarian invasion of Slovakia, we at EZA News were completely unaware of it. I congratulate you on your eagle eye, Anonymous. I trust you have informed your government of this situation. For my part, I'm going to flog my revolutionaries, who neglected to let me know this is how we're invading Slovakia. And I just spent 30 billion dollars buying a whole bunch of really nifty tanks. You know how hard it is to return them? And Tanks'R'Us won't return the shipping & handling fees, either. Trust me, Anonymous, heads will roll.

I'm glad you told me that many Slovaks hate Hungarians. You know, I hadn't noticed this, but now that you mention it, yes, there's definitely an undercurrent of hatred there, which would explain not only the video by werwolfSSlovakia, but also the many angry comments from both sides in response to it. If you hadn't pointed out the bad blood between the magyars and the Slovaks I would've totally missed it, which I'm told happens because I'm a total lumpen element. I'm going to have to do some serious de-lumpening here. Again I congratulate you on your insight and your keen eye! I also congratulate you on your generous use of exclamation points. Enthusiasm is a good thing, and clearly you are full of it.

Bratislava, werewolves of

Next time, Wolfie, burn your shorts. That'd be more original.

Not-quite-fast-enough reader Sára sent in a link to a Hungary-hating video created by some Slovakian types. Unfortunately, the video has since been removed, so EZA News Network (Lumpen Elements of Society United to Fight Peace Wherever it Should Arise) can't brilliantly deconstruct it and point out the socio-economic causes underlying its vile lyrics. It was one of those "you blink, you miss it" things, like Slovakia. Man, those guys sure don't like us, huh? Apparently the video was some kind of skinhead heavy metal opus, the kind where the people at the microphone basically scream and those on the floor jump around and bump swastikas. EZA has since perused a couple of other offerings by the creator of the hate-em-hungos video, who goes by the handle werwolfSSlovakia (yes, he can't spell). Hmmmm....SS....could that be a clever reference to Adolf's little party? I saw a werewolf waving a swastika at Trader Vic's; his sieg heil was perfect. Ahooo, werewolves of Bratislava....ahoooooooo.

EZA can't confirm the contents of the video (which included the burning of a Hungarian flag) since no one at ENN HQ managed to catch it before it was removed by YouTube, so we can base this report only on hearsay. But hey, hearsay's good enough for us. We're not picky. According to Sára, it was less than 2 minutes short (because on top of having bad grammar and tiny genitalia, bigots have short attention spans), and it was in some kind of English. Bad English. She remembers one phrase from it: "Always opposite Hungary!" Howzzat for a war cry? Eat your heart out Alexandru Duţă. You never came up with something so creative for your little magyar-zapping game.

I don't know about you, but I think it's heart-warming how English has become a lingua franca, and now we can all make sure that the people we hate understand we're not just waving across the border at them, we're threatening them with genocide as well as insulting their mothers. Before the advent of English as a more or less universal language, you had to trust the guy on the other side would understand some hand gestures, or you actually had to invest on grenade-launchers and other aggressive things, and those can max out your Visa, like, in seconds. Not all of us are Israel, after all.

The comments to the videos ENN did watch demonstrated how wonderful English can be to bring together diverse peoples into the commonality of bigotry. People who don't speak Hungarian, for example, totally would miss the colorful insult posted by an angry magyar (EZA speaks only a little magyar, but she's pretty fluent in the cursing department and other useful areas), while the insult posted by someone else in English was clear to almost everyone, possibly including werwolfSSlovakia. This is a good thing. This is communication! Imagine what amazing wars we could've had in the past if we could've understood all this hatred and replied in kind. Nowadays we write little insulting messages on missiles, which I think furthers the reach of English as the universal tongue.

The Slovaks should be careful, because we have more diacritics than anyone else in the world and we pack some mean suffixes. We have hot paprika guns as well, and those are everything to sneeze at. And as if that weren't enough, we also have Chuck Norris. So, take thee for a dumpster dive, 'werwolf,' you naughty little Slovak brat, you. Don't make us open a can of whoop-goulash.

Are you a loser slovak who has nothing better to do with your empty life that insult the magyar people? Email eza_news at yahoo.com...our magyar staff enjoys making fun of you.

Waters, like a bridge over troubled

In case of emergency, ticket inspectors may be used as flotation devices

Alert and wet-to-the-marrow readers Sára and her manly toy boy Attila floated down the streets of Budapest after the huge-ass downpour on Tuesday, risking their lives for the sake of journalism. Seems Budapest was this close to displacing the Balaton as the largest lake in Europe. Down in the Metro, people joyfully lashed ticket inspectors together to make handy rafts.

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, the Ministry for Way Overdue Public Works announced they were serious this time and they would build that 8th bridge across the Duna. (when EZA News requested an interview, ministry spokesperson Pató Pál úr replied, "Ej, ráérünk arra még!") Anyway, given that the name they came up with ("Bridge Across the Duna That Has Been Promised for, What, Decades and That Will Be Delayed for Another Eight Months, Apparently") is unwieldy and would most likely require a bazillion suffixes, they decided to run an Internet poll and ask the people to vote for a name. They hoped this cunning strategy would distract the people from the issue of the bridge being slightly behind the promised schedule. This being cucumber season, Hungarians decided to chuck (har har) tradition, which normally calls for the use of names of saints and other famous Hungarians, and poured votes on the name of that rugged, quasi-mythical figure, Mr. Walker,Texas Ranger himself, Chuck Norris.

This is brilliant, because if anyone can span the Duna, that's Chuck. He can leap tall buildings at a single bound. He roundhouse kicks the sun around the sky every day. He wrestles tornadoes with his bare hands. He fights evil and defends the weak and oppressed. He arranges flowers better than Martha Stewart. Szent István király may have founded the Hungarian state, but he is nothing compared to Chuck Norris.

From Buda to Pest, I will lay me down.

Of course, the authorities reserve the right to pick a name for the bridge. They don't really care what you think. As every conspiracy theorist knows, the Internet poll was just a ruse, mere busywork to keep people distracted from the machinations of the Illuminati. Given that the name Szent Korona-híd is currently (and surely temporarily) in the lead, they may have in fact already exerted their evil ways on the people. We may have to consider a bloody revolution, one so mighty and terrifying that rivers of blood may run as deep as the Metro waters. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Chipper, I say put him through a wood

You're next, Potter.

Authors John Irving (The World According to Garp) and Stephen King (a ton o'novels) have joined forces in making a plea to Brit hack J. K. Rowling not to kill her annoying character Harry Potter in the last installment of the unoriginal wizard-y series.

WTF? I can't really criticize Irving, since Garp is the only book of his I've read, but King is out of his gourd. This is the guy who wrote The Shining, a story that features rivers of blood, axe-wielding whackos who chop up their families, and a scene where a terrified little kid is half-strangled by a naked, semi-decomposed, bloated, bluish ghost lady. And he has a problem with the possibility that Potter may meet a well-deserved death? Come on, man, get real. First, it's Rowling's story, and she will probably end it in whatever way she wants. Second, some of us who have despised this derivative, poorly written work and bemoaned the fact that there is a gigantic lowest common intellectual denominator that JKR and her greedy publishers can pander their crap to need something in return, and one of the things we would like the most is to see Potter die in a horrific way. Being that she's so good at lifting ideas penned by every writer that has ever lived, she might do us a further favor and create a Wesley Crusher character (call him Crusher Weasley, for example, so no one will notice) and also throw him into the death scene (and while you're at it, Kathleen, throw in the red-haired kid too. He's asking for it, and so am I).

Something I find hilarious is that King mentions people writing to him to complain about some of his own scenes. In the article, he makes mention of the scene in The Dead Zone in which one of his characters kicks a dog to death. (That's one nasty-ass scene, Stevie. Really gross and brutal, and I thought it was the most disgusting, psychotic, warped scene you've ever written, pal. ) Stevie says of this scene: "I made that dog up, it was a fake dog, it was a fictional dog." Exactly, dude. So is Potter. A totally fictional dog. So don't get all wimpy on us now and ask that he be spared. I want that waste-of-ink character shot out of a cannon into a mine field.

Potter's death wouldn't redeem the crap work, but it would be something to remember fondly. Plus, there are so many stories Rowling could plunder for ideas, that it'd be a shame for her to pass up the opportunity for one last, major borrowing spree. She could put the kid through a wood chipper. She could have him torn to pieces by savage beasts. She could have a psycho alcohlic guy chop him to bloody bits with an axe. She could have a few of the bad guys in the story whack him to death with a pool cue (because come on, The Sopranos should be fair game too, right? She shouldn't be limited to lifting ideas only from print sources and films). She could have Jason Isaacs tear him limb from limb (starting with the ears, in honor of Isaacs' new Showtime series Brotherhood). She could have him disemboweled by the psycho character from The Cell (the inimitable Vincent D'Onofrio could reprise the role), who had a very creative way of doing the deed. She could have him impaled on a lightning rod while strange flying creatures eat his internal organs and pluck out his eyes. And then there's Saw. Now there is a veritable horn o'plenty of ideas!

I envision something involving BDSM and lots of blood and guts, and maybe a lot of insects, worms, and bats. And rabid dogs. And the Undead, because they're always good for a flesh-eating scene. And scat. Lots of it. Go out with a bang, Kathleen. A gang bang.

Fishin', gone

El Geeko and I will be away this week, with dodgy internet access, so I may not be able to delight one and all with my interesting and ever so witty posts. Oh, don't roll your eyes! Fine, I will rephrase: I may not be able to update the blog, people. The Blogger image utility is bleepin' messed up again, by the way. Lovely.

Fellow, for she's a jolly good

Here's to you, Lisa! Thank you!!

Mussels, eat Bertha's

Many smuggled mussels end up in the mussel porn industry

Procastinating reader Christie was cleaning out her inbox yesterday when she found this sordid(and now totally stale) tale about the officials at the Slovenia-Croatia border breaking up a dangerous date-mussel smuggling ring. Unfortunately the article doesn't explain how the contraband was found. Did they use seafood-sniffing dogs? Maybe they don't need to. I bet these things stink after sitting in a hot car for a while. So, if you've ever wondered what those shady Croatians are up to, now you know. If you've ever wondered why people actually eat mussels, I can't help you. I have no clue why anyone would want to eat them, although I'm beginning to form some theories.

Anyway, read on, Macduff.

Customs Officials Confiscate 65 Kilos of Date-Mussels

Sečovlje, May 21

Customs officials at the Slovenian-Croatian border discovered and confiscated 65 kg of date-mussels, the trade of which is banned, in the cars of two Croatian citizens. Last Saturday, 35 kg of date-mussels were discovered hidden in the side panels at the rear of a car owned by a Croatian citizen. The next day, another Croatian citizen was caught smuggling 35kg of these protected seafood specialties, hidden in the back seat of his car. The confiscated molluscs were handed over to the veterinary service, while both Croatian citizens were fined. Harvesting, and consequently trade, of date-mussels is prohibited as it causes dismantling and desertification of bottom areas along the Adriatic's shallow rocky shores.

Lumpen?, who you callin'

As a humanitarian service, EZA News (Fighting Peace Since 2006) would like to inform the Slovakian government that Hungarians are dangerous people who burn down townhomes and throw deadly carrots at people's faces when we're feeling particularly stroppy, haven't had our morning pálinka, or just because we can. Much as EZA News appreciates ultra-right-wing government factions (who doesn't, really?), we resent people who use difficult words when insulting minorities. Robert Fico's new coalition government should either muzzle Jan Slota (pictured above, mid-rant) or teach him some useful ethnic slurs that can be understood by everybody without the need for a dictionary. By using words like "lumpen elements" to refer to the Hungarian minority in Slovakia, Slota's effectively minimizing the impact of his statements, as a lot of people (including the staff at EZA News, most of whom obtained their journalistic credentials from a color laser printer) failed to become offended by them. If it hadn't been for Slota's further reference to the Hungo minority as "murderers of the Slovakians," we would've had to consult Encyclopedia.com, and that would've taken time away from playing "Rumanii in Spatiu," a game that can be quite fun once it's been tweaked a little.

In any case, now that we know what this drunken loser is barking about, and having read his latest rant over the weekend, we are a little miffed, albeit curious to find out how half a million Hungarians oppress the majority in Slovakia. Too much pepper in the paprikash? Excessive use of suffixes and diacritics? Stockpiles of deadly root vegetables?

The Hungarian government may have reacted with typical magyar aggression to the weekend comments ("if the Slovak government does not disavow Slota's words, Hungary would officially ask it to do so."), but that's nothing compared to what us Hungarian-Americans are capable of. We may have lost brother Bartha in the war against spouses, and brother Vecsey's future as our Root Cellar Chief may be uncertain, but this doesn't mean our forces are in any way diminished. So here's a little friendly warning to the Slovak government: watch out, Bobby. It's cucumber season.

Balaton, husbands flock to the

Suspiciously alert reader A.J. sent in this link, a site created by the ever so clever Hungarian tourism authority, which wants to lure more visitors to Lake Balaton. This evidences an apparent difference in mentality between the magyar-zapping Rumanians and the Hungarian people, who are obviously more focused on illicit nookie. It's not cheating if you have sex with a blonde cartoon girl. Check out how the bee gets it on too. Everyone scores at the Balaton!

Couple, marriage destroys

Lesbian icon, ultra-hip poet and newsfinder Vanessa alerted EZA News (Fighting world peace since ...well, since Vanessa inspired us to adopt this motto) about an article that stands as evidence of the serious damage marriage can wreak in an otherwise loving couple. Julie and Hillary Goodridge lived happily together for two decades and then they had to go and throw it all away by getting married. See what the Evil Institution can do to people? We must stop homosexuals from getting married. It's for their own good! All those happy people with kids, picket fences, dogs, and PTA meetings stand to lose it all if America accepts gay marriage. We have to save these people from the horror brought about by what on the surface appears to be an innocent ceremony. Don't make the same mistake heteros made, gays! Stay away from the courthouse and the church! In fact, let's all stay away, for our own sakes and that of our kids. Happily ever after only works in fairy tales. Outlaw marriage now!

Woman, when a man loves a

George wuvs Angela. At the G8 meeting, he attempted a quickie backrub, but she was having none of it. Or maybe she was being coy and playful. Or maybe she was pretending not to like it because there were cameras there, and other world leaders and she doesn't want the world and Laura to know what's going on. It's anyone's guess at the moment.

The wires are going wild with his incident, but I'm unimpressed. George really needs to come up with something different if he wants to outdo his two predecessors. Bush Sr. vomited on the Prime Minister of Japan, then fainted, and Clinton got frequent blow jobs in the Oval (or Oral) Office from Monica Lewinski and some of the presidential semen stained her dress. A quickie backrub isn't even in the same league.

Piréz, send them back home to

Idegenellenesség (xenophobia) is alive and well in Hungary, according to a survey conducted by news agency MTI. Wisely learning from the negative experiences of Alex the Magyar-Zapper, MTI created a group of imaginary refugees, freshly arrived from non-existent Piréz and seeking refuge in Hungary. Twenty-seven percent of those polled said they wouldn't give the filthy Pirézi asylum in the fair magyar land. Interestingly, the most rabidly anti-foreigner were those who place themselves in the political far left. Only 8% of the respondents thought anyone who wants to live in Hungary should be allowed to do so, though 90% saying they would especially welcome ethnic Hungarians. Pack your carrots, we're going home!

Maybe this anti-foreigner feeling has to do with Hungarians being among the unhappiest people on Earth. According to the Happy Planet Index, Hungary ranked 121st out of 178 countries measured. This might explain why we blow up our townhomes and throw carrots at our spouses. We're unhappier than Namibia! And Bosnia! We're one stroppy bunch indeed. But hey, we're a lot happier than the Pirézians, who are pretty damn mad at the moment and have pledged support of Alex's game. All they have at the moment is some old carrots, but we all know how deadly those can be.

Evil, root of all

Carrots are good for your vision. To obtain the optimal effect from carrots, they should be taken internally, that is, eaten. Hitting yourself (or others) in the eye with a carrot doesn't guarantee you'll get enough vitamin A to cause any significant improvement to your vision. In fact, it may make matters worse as Roderick Vecsey of Monroe, CT found out when during an argument with his wife he flung a carrot at her, effectively blinding her in one eye. Ironically, they were apparently arguing about taking their daughter to the doctor at the time. To be fair, we must point out that Mr. Vecsey was allegedly eating the carrot at the time of the argument, so he may be aware of the traditional method of obtaining vitamin A. In fact, there's a chance he may have intended to share this carroty goodness with his wife and may have been aiming at her mouth.

Ethnically-aware readers have pointed out Mr. V's Hungarian surname, and the fact that the assault with a deadly carrot took place about a week after another allegedly Hungarian man blew up his New York townhouse in another situation involving a wife. There is so much cultural subtext in all of this it's not even funny.

Pressure, Alex couldn't take the

Dacian Dope backs down? EZA News hasn't been able to properly confirm this report, which comes to our main newsdesk from not-alert-enough reader and Central European correspondent A.J., who really needs to cut down on the booze.

According to A.J., Alexandru Duţă (the 21-year-old programmer from Timisoara whose name so wonderfully rhymes with a rude Spanish expression that basically questions the legitimacy of his birth), has announced that he's removed the anti-magyar mission from the game. EZA News has been unable to determine the reason behind this move, but folks in our studio audience conclude that Alex is a sad and spineless geek who, when the going gets tough, chickens out and runs home to mama.

Who you gonna zap now, Alex? Gypsies?

The Hungarian Rebel Army (HuRrAh) is standing down for the moment and enjoying a bit of well-deserved R&R.