What do you give the exotic dancer who has everything? Why, a hand in a jar, of course. Diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but a preserved human hand says "I'm a real psycho." The custom of giving body parts to women was arguably begun by painter Vincent van Gogh, who while in Arles in 1888 cut off a portion of his ear and gave it to a prostitute. History does not tell us whether Vince's girlfriend also had a collection of human skulls in her apartment, like Linda Kay. Clearly the good doctor's dancing queen feels that collecting dolls and having a couple of cats as pets is just too bourgeois. You can't really stick a candle to a cat when you want to create a spooky atmosphere, after all, because you'll end up with a very pissed off cat and possibly septicemia. And trying to use a cat as a novelty ashtray is a fire hazard. Besides, having skulls and preserved body parts comes in very handy for Halloween parties, especially if your guests are serial killers or members of the Addams family.
Christmas is around the corner, and if you want to save scads of money while avoiding crowds and irritating muzak, we suggest boning up (har har) on the grave robbing tradition. It is high time to revive this time-honored activity, and you don't even need to be a medical student to do so. All you need is a buddy, a pair of shovels, and a deep love of serious recycling. And just imagine the look on your beloved's face when you present her with a pelvis, which she can use as a handy dish to dispense sweets to the trick-or-treaters.
Got dem dry bones? Contact the Forensics Division of ENN at eza_news @ yahoo.com
