And this is how you salute me from now on, see? The Return of the Conducător
The place: Rumania (formerly known as the Milky Way galaxy)
The time: the distant future
As we saw in the prequel to our game, the Rumanians conquered everything. The whole galaxy. They had a bit of a glitch at one point because of the Hungarian revolt. Happily the Hungarians, being the most intelligent beings in the Universe, devised a method whereby they could travel interdimensionally. I can't tell you how it works, only that it involves paprika and chaos theory. Anyway, they took all of Hungary with them (including pre-1920 lands. In the future, there's a huge crater in that area.) and now live happily in a vast territory in another universe, having created a peaceful and diverse kingdom, etc. etc. They are gone, baby. Szia, Ruminants. La revedere!
The Return of the Conducător deals with what happened after the Hungarians left. The Rumanians, having conquered all and not having any non-Rumanian scum to shoot at, got terribly bored. (Let that be a lesson to you all: never use up your non-renewable resources.) They had nothing to do, really, but build more lively grey apartment buildings and orphanages, and this gets old very fast. Their emperor -- a descendant of Johnny B. (rumors that the B stands for Bigot have not yet been confirmed) and coincidentally also named Johnny B. -- tried cheering the people up. He even organized secret trials and mass executions, but the people just yawned. They were bored. They pined for the good old days.
This great melancholy made it all the way to Hell, to Old Nic's ears. "They want me back!" he exclaimed. "I knew they'd miss me, the suckers!" Filled with optimism, he petitioned Satan, and Satan, being he's got a good sense of humor, let him go back to Rumania (now the name of the whole galaxy) and rule again.
In our game, you are one of Nicky's Securitat agents. Your missions will be varied, from shooting citizens randomly because you're too drunk to care, to organizing raids, to building orphanages for the children of the people you kill (you're not a child murderer. You will wait until the little buggers grow up and then you shoot'em), to enforcing the Conducător's laws, which grow increasingly insane as the game progresses: from enforced pregnancies (we can't have enough Rumanians...all women must have a minimum of 15 kids. And forget the state rewards...ha, that was the 1980s...this is now, baby! No more Mr. Nice Nicky), to rounding up people to be taken to the forced labor camps where they'll be building temples for the worship of the Leader.
Point accrual varies and is tied to the number of people you execute or take to the camps. You lose points every time the Geniul din Carpaţi doesn't like how you're playing the game. He gets more capricious as he goes along, and at one point almost looks like the guy from Stargate and develops a particular dislike of former emperor Johnny B. and all his descendants.
The game is now in beta testing. It will be released to the general public soon. In the meantime, EZA Enterprises would like to remind those who may have any kind of problems with this game, that it is just a game. Johnny B. said it brilliantly on his site:
There seems to be a huge controversy regarding our soon-to-be-released game. There are some people, of Hungarian origin, that seem to be bothered by a side-mission in our game, where the Romanian pilots try to quell an insurgency caused by Hungarian separatists. The mission and subsequent actions in the game should not be confused with real life. We are in a FICTIONAL game, containing FICTIONAL storylines. Please leave your petty nationalism out of an otherwise fun game. We appreciate both Hungarian and Romanian views and issues on the matter, but please, let politicians handle them, not video games. Next time, we attack Buhtan.
