Space!, Rumanians in

Romanii In Spatiu. Star Wars, Bucharest-style.

One of my correspondents in Europe (kösz, A.J.!)alerted me to a new intergalactic war game (apparently beta testing as we speak) featuring those whacky, loveable dudes, those masters of mendacity, those aces of alternative history, the Rumanians! What are those cuddly darlings up to this time? Doing what they excel at, of course.

The developer of the game, who goes by the nom de guerre "Johnny B." (rumors that B. stands for Buffoon have not yet been confirmed), reversed engineered history and created a world in which Nicolae Ceauşescu conquered the U.S. in 1988. Smart move for the PR-conscious Nicky, since by doing this he avoided being shot to death by his own people in 1989! Brilliant strategy, really. After conquering the US and Canada and the whole wide world, the brave and tenacious Rumanians expand into space (it's all the hot air) and rule the galaxy and possibly fill it with cute orphanages and lively grey Communist-style apartment housing.

Fast forward a little, and we find that our friends have conquered all. They are bored, weary with power. What are they to do? Johnny B. needs to spice up the plot! Will he be up to it? Oh ye of little faith! Of course he will! This Visigoth of videogames, this veritable golem will never disappoint. Picking up his knuckles from the floor, he codes in a genius plot twist: insurgency!

See, not everything is wine and cabbage rolls in Paradise. There is discontent in the kingdom. Not everyone is thrilled with the Pax Rumanica. Trouble is brewing on a planet far, far away. Focused as they were on rewriting history (which does take a lot of time, given there's so much evidence to destroy), the Rumanians forgot to complete their self-appointed mission at the beginning of their galactic venture: to "viciously murder millions of non-Rumanian alien scum. " Damn, I hate when that happens, don't you? You think you got all the scum but you left some around, and then the whole thing comes to bite you in the ass, and it always happens when you're in the middle of busily fabricating ties to the Romans and covering up scads of evidence to the contrary. It sucks!

And you know what's even more tragic?? When the people you forget to massacre are none other than the Hungarians! "Remnants of the former republic of Hungary have formed a new nation on a recently-conquered planet. They claim independence and a chance to live freely. This cannot stand." You can say that again. Could it be any worse? You know how Hungarians are. They're probably demanding silly things like independence, freedom, and maybe the return of that thing with mountains and rivers you stole eons ago.

Those Hungarians, huh? They just don't understand that the evidence won't destroy itself, and that you are busy, busy, busy with the whole misinformation machine. Some people just have no sense of timing.

So the brilliant Johnny B. creates a wonderful, fun-filled world of ethnic hatred, suitable for children of all ages. Masterful, really, because everyone knows kids don't like to read much nowadays, and even though those revisionist Rumanian textbooks are more thrilling than any other work of fiction ever written, the kids won't touch them. So how do you teach them the government's version of events? Why via a videogame, of course! Now they can happily murder virtual Hungarians and hone their skills for real life. Why should the Serbs and Croatians have all the fun?

Johnny B.'s game has inspired EZA Enterprises to come up with a new video game which coinicidentally also features the incomparable, self-appointed Geniul din Carpaţi, Nicolae Ceauşescu. Stay tuned for more info on this game.

This just in: Ceauşescu is still dead. Celebrations continue.