Sex?, do you practice safe

Made you look! No, this is not a sex post. It's another phrasebook post, because I got several emails from alert readers who sent me some more international phrases, and I felt the duty to reprint them here for travelers everywhere. Because it's summer, and people travel, and it's important to communicate with foreigners in their own language. This shows we care about their culture.

The title of this post comes from a Hindi phrasebook, and if you're going to India for a naughty vacation, you may as well learn this phrase, because it's a scary world out there and you don't want to catch anything. So, repeat after me: Kya: a:p ka:ndam ka: istema:l [karte/karti:] hai~? Oh, come on, say it like you mean it, for pete's sake.

Ah, Russia. Such a lovely country. Before you go, you need to know that communism is just a red herring. There was an expose in Pravda about the whole thing, but it's too long and cyrillic to reprint here. When in Moscow, you may want to go visit Red Square, or the Kremlin, and you may want to pick up a few souvenirs. Before you do, learn this phrase until it rolls off your tongue like the dew rolls of a rose petal: Ja vozjmu u vas mochu na analiz (I want a specimen of your urine). Some people buy those dolls within dolls, but you don't have to be like everyone else, nyet?

Surely you will go to Poland sooner or later. Everyone does, because Tuscany's so crowded. When in Poland, you will want to augment your souvenir collection with something authentically Polish, but the language barrier may embarrass you. Worry not, help is at hand. March into that store with your head held high and intone the following: Ile placimy za dzieci? (What do we pay for the children?) And you thought you'd have to go to Bangkok for this. Ha! If some Polish national reacts in a negative way about this, use your menacing voice and say: Przes'wietle, panu ze,by. (I will x-ray your teeth). Nothing scares them more than a crazed dentist.

I know you really like Somalia, because come on, who doesn't? Doctors are in short supply over there so chances are that just as you're getting ready to sunbathe, you will be pressed into service. Here's a useful phrase in case you're handed a scalpel. Just hold that baby in your hand and say with confidence: Waa inaan ku qalaa (I must operate on you.). Given that most people feel the urge to perform surgery at one time or another, no one will think this strange. And with a little practice you will be removing kidneys like a pro. You will thank me later when you make scads of money selling organs in the black market.

After you're done harvesting, please remember to say: Waa inaan duugnaa isaga (We must bury her). Don't leave bodies around, please. This isn't the Middle Ages.

Should you find yourself penniless in India and decide to join the oldest profession, don't sell yourself short. Meet unreasonable requests from Telegu speakers with: Ra dam di, dha ra pe ri gi po yi na di (Cannot, Sir, the price has gone up).

Now go pack your bags. Life is short.